musings of the first sunny day in awhile

sunset at Jeju Island, Korea

I just went running. It's beautiful outside. I sat out in the sun/shade reading from Alma. And for some reason I thought about scripture reading, which reminded me of something Lauren (Sister Truman) said to me last year. She said that she's noticed that I've changed, spiritually, for the better. And instead of me doing other things when she randomly comes over, I'll be reading my scriptures. I'm so glad she told me that because... I don't know. It just made me so happy. It made me realize that I really had changed. And thinking about it... yeah sometimes things do suck and things have been really hard this year, but yet, I'm still at such a good place, monumentally better than just a few years ago. And that makes me so so so happy.

My testimony is stronger than ever. I don't forget about God anymore, or not see His hand in things, or not talk to Him. I don't try to be rebellious for the sake of being different. I don't try to bend the rules or push the boundaries. Ok I'm starting to realize that maybe I'm coming off as self-righteous. I'm not trying to be! Because that's not the point. The point is the end product, the point is that I'm so so so much happier. And that doesn't mean like... happy all the time because I think I have been down more this year than others, but it means I'm at least just comforted in knowing someone is always there or... I don't know. I'm sorry, I wish I could explain this better. Maybe it's joy. Maybe it's just that knowledge of Christ brings me joy, not necessarily the happy emotion that flits around, but a constant just surety that is peaceful and comforting.

I don't know. I just feel different now than I did when I was a sophomore. I feel like I've grown a ton and gone through a ton and am feeling good about it.

I hope your finals are going well and that you're enjoying the sunshine even with the studying. :)

My life in photo form

My internship didn't win anything at the Showcase, but I still got to show off my work and pictures and talk to people about it. And a $50 gift card isn't bad either... :) **I forgot to say thank you to everyone who came to see my booth!!! You don't know how happy it made me-- thank you so much!! :):):)
Personally, I think my photos looked dang good.Someone had an Obama cut-out at their booth. Of course I couldn't resist..


Stir fry was the dinner for tonight. I'm trying to be healthier. I was inspired by Colin, while we were phlebotomizing tonight. I was 4 for 4 tonight! Not bad not bad, after a 2 week hiatus. Talked to a lady from Trujillo, Peru too. Good times.

I didn't know my nose could produce this much mucous.

My nose hasn't stopped running for 2 hours. I don't get it. I'm not sick or anything.

I've been feeling pretty crappy and overwhelmed all day. I banked on getting a phlebotomy job this summer and I have no back-up plan. Nobody's hiring. I hate living in this stupid college town where everyone and their mom is going into medicine and is trying to get experience. I called 8 places so far. I don't know what to do.

I can still work part-time at the Kennedy Center, but there's no way I'm only going to work part-time this summer. I don't want to get just some dumb job though, I really want to start working on my medical experience! If I'm applying in just a few years I really need to start NOW. I'm screwed!

And I already declined my spring/summer scholarships b/c I thought I'd just be working. So now I'm going to work part-time but not even have school. Ugh.

Plus I looked up PA pre-reqs for the schools I want to apply to finally and I have so much more to do. And all these dumb classes like stats and psychology. Ugh! I thought I would just take a few more chem and bio classes and be done with it. But now I might have to postpone graduation AGAIN. And that sucks. I just want to be DONE.

I don't know what to do. My whole plan is just effed up now.

But I started thinking about the big picture, and how this isn't exactly the end of the world. I can be grateful for the fact that I even have options, that I can even go to PA school. And it's ok if I graduate a bit late. And it's ok if I apply for PA school a bit late, if I need to wait before I get some good solid med experience. It's ok. It's not what I want, but... maybe I just need to patient and give that up. Sigh. It sucks, but it's not the end of the world.

And I should remember what really matters in life, and what God wants from me and how they're always like He won't care what your job was or how much money you made, etc. So He'll be okay if I don't get into PA school right away or graduate right away. And I shouldn't let this stress overtake me and make me be a nasty person. Which I have been doing, unfortunately. I've been snappy and angry and feel like nobody understands or cares. Which is true, that is how I feel, and it makes me want to hole up and just be angry at everyone and not talk to them. I mostly hate how they're all happy and chipper and aren't sympathetic at all, just want to be in their own stupid happy mood. Yeah, I'm selfish. I'm working on it.

Anyways, I realize all these things but they're hard to implement. I'll try to be happier regardless of how crappy everything is. But no promises.

Memories of happier times:

I made some cookies the other day and they were delicious! Chocolate, butterscotch, and peanut butter chip! Sounds like a mouthful but it's not overpowering or weird at all, just yum! :)

Please come to the internship fair this Friday in the Wlk Ballroom! My internship booth is on the far left side. Vote for mine for the People's Choice Award! I'm so nervous... I think I have a chance, but at the same, anytime you go against 97 people it's hard to stand out. The cash prize would be so ridiculously wonderful though, it would be just.. I don't know. It would be miraculous, really. I don't want to get my hopes up though... blah I just can't wait for after so I just know what the verdict is.

I feel kinda blah lately. Like... I don't know. I know it'll sound so so so stupid and Mormon and whatever, but I want to get married! I want to be with my one and only, I want to be in love. Seeing couples on campus used to not bother me. But now it really just makes me so... sad. Wedding invitations used to get me so excited. But now they make me lonely. I don't like it one bit. And sad love songs and even happy ones make me so sad too. What do I do?! I feel hopeless I think, and like it's never going to happen, just lonely. Bleah.

Doesn't help that at Institute our teacher was crazy and gave a dumb lesson in my opinion. I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't bash on the teachers that is really mean of me. But she was talking about dating and marriage and said to the guys that they need to be responsible for it and if they date they WILL get married. Then to the girls, she said "Now girls.. if you end up getting married later or not at all just know you'll have a chance in the next life!" SERIOUSLY??? So all the guys will be able to get married but we girls have no say in it and in fact won't get married at all? WHAT THE HECK. It made me really mad. And then she went on to say that we need to look feminine and pretty and ask people how to change our look to be more presentable. WTF. It made me angry to say the least...

Whatevs. I'll just keep on a-truckin' through life and hopefully some happy things will happen.

That's so stupid. I know it's ME that makes my life happy. If I change my attitude I'll be happy. And I try to! But sometimes I just get down, which is normal and fine. So... yeah. I'm fine. Just a little lonely.

On a tangent, I love pop music and dancing.