ringin' in the new year

Now is the time for contemplation, no? Well, here are the random thoughts going through my head.

My break was good because it was relaxing. I ate a ton and slept a ton. But it was sad because I was solo. With no siblings around and with parents allowing me to sleep in till all hours of the day, I didn't have much reason to get up in the morning so I didn't do too much. But I did stick in a couple trips to Seattle, a couple really good hangouts with friends, and good hangouts with my family. I got in lots of watching Seinfeld and House too, haha. And now I am ready for school. I'm ready for structure, purpose, work, things to do, and people, definitely people, especially this one person. But I'm not super excited about this weather. I was freezing all break b/c my parents keep the thermostat WAY low but holy cow, it is 20 degrees colder here than back home and I am sad about that. But it is good to be back. :)



Even though crappy things happened last year (economy going putz, car accident) it still feels like a really good year. I feel like I'm going to look back on 2009 with fondness. I already do. It was fun and I was happy for most of the year, which is so much better than 2008. So I'm very much looking forward to starting 2010 with a good outlook on life.



Speaking of 2010, it's my year! The year of the tiger! Holla for all those born in 1986. :) The theme song of the year is "Eye of the Tiger" and every time I get down I'm gonna pump that shiz uuup and dance around like Rocky. Oh, I need to see Rocky sometime soon. No, I've never seen it before. So yes, I'm a poser for using that as my theme song. But I'll un-poser myself soon! Anyways, I'm hoping for and going to work towards a rockin' year full of accomplishments and self-fulfillment and happiness!!!



I am super tired right now. But I actually slept last night which is good. I haven't slept well the previous 3 or 4 nights so I'm glad I'll finally get on a regular sleeping schedule. But it means I'm going to be super tired today. Oh well, that's what you get. :)



Happy New Year everyone!

uneasy

i feel strange, uneasy, like something is missing or broken and needs to be fixed, or... just... weird. is it the lack of schoolwork? is it wanting to know what my grades are? or is it something else entirely? maybe i know and i just don't want to admit it to myself.

eye of the tiger

do you know what's awesome? this time next year i will be planning and celebrating Christmas without the doom of finals hanging over my head. how great is that? i'll be able to decorate, shop, bake, etc. with more money from working full time and with more time from not having school! oh, glorious day!

in the meantime, i have one more final left until FREEDOM! i'm way nervous about it though... this semester was not as good as others, i think. although i know i've said that before and been pleasantly surprised. please, please, let my grades pull through one last time! ok well if it could happen again next semester too... haha.

Happy Christmas everyone!

sad songs.

i love sad songs. but they make me sad. but once i start, i cannot stop, listening and listening until i am so thoroughly saturated with emotions that i'm dripping in it.

it takes a bit to snap me out. is it normal/bad that such music affects me so?

i have been in the strangest mood today. in and out of happiness and anger. why why why

i finally finished my internship today. i printed off a billion pages of my portfolio and got it bound. it looks dang good. i'm so glad it's done, although i'm nervous about my grade. dr. thackeray seems kind of picky. but oh well, it's OVER. i feel pretty good about it. i'd like to think i made a difference. according to the after surveys we did, we both increased knowledge/awareness of the law in BYU students by 10% and decreased the number of those who regularly text and drive by 10%. i'd say that's pretty significant, sir! yep.

and if you read my facebook you'll know that my op/ed that i submitted to the daily herald (utah valley newspaper) got printed in yesterday's paper!! yes, i'm very excited--i mean how many people can say they're published? i hope lots of people read it and got to thinking about texting while driving..

i've decided to take genetics instead of chemistry. i can now apply to the university of utah, northeastern in boston, oregon health sciences university, and a few schools in new york and virginia, possibly. i'm really excited about it... east coast would be amazing!!! let's concentrate on getting in first. checklist:

-GRE--study study study and take it in april or may
-letters of recommendation--i'm thinking my boss at the health center, my microbiology professor, and jason etough, a PA i shadowed last year
-get a job as an orderly or another phleb job. i'll only be taking 13 credits so i'm hoping to have more time to get more medical hours

i keep thinking next semester won't be as busy, but maybe it will be anyway, if i'm tackling all these new things. it'll just be a different kind of busy. it's funny, i get busier every single year but never retract. i wonder if my capacity to get things done increases each year. does that mean i have a cap somewhere? or will it keep growing and growing? no, maybe i'll snap and go crazy at some point in the future. who knows...

tomorrow's my first plasma donation appointment. yes, i've stooped this low. selling my body for money. desperate times call for desperate measures, unfortunately. let's hope they actually take my blood this time.

time to keep studying that blasted chemistry! but just think, in one week i'll be COMPLETELY DONE with chemistry foreeeever unless they spring it on me in PA school but for some reason it won't be so bad then, or at least that's what i tell myself. anyway, holy, this is my last fall semester of undergrad ever. EVER. how strange...!!! how wonderful!!!!!!! i can't wait to graduate.

Sometimes my life feels so very unreal to me. I can't imagine myself in PA school. Yet it's finally here. It's finally the time to start thinking about applying, about living in a different state, doing something completely different. It's finally time to start being a real adult.

But it just doesn't seem real yet!

So far I've only got 2 schools that I for sure meet all the prerequisites for. There are a few maybes, and a lot that I could apply to if I am willing to take chem 106 and 107. Barf... I'm trying so hard to avoid those classes... I think I really hate chemistry. I love biology, anatomy, physiology... but chemistry? Nope, not for me.

And goodbye, Quinnipiac, one of my dream schools in the beautiful land of Connecticut. Why do you insist on requiring an organic chemistry lab? Tell me why... I promise you it won't make a better PA out of anyone! Goodbye lush green forests and sparkling blue waters...

Maybe I'm not ready for real life yet!!!

Although I don't think anyone ever is. You just go into it, scared crapless you may be. I mean, college never seemed real until I just did it. And this won't seem real until I just do it. Go Nike.

Man I can't wait for winter break this year... it's going to be gloriously fantastic. And Christmas! I'll get to talk to Jason! Oh heavens. I need to find time to mail him his shoes... too many things to do!

Ready... break!

reconcile

Did you hear about the man who died in the Nutty Putty caves this week?

I've been thinking a lot about that and similar things. Basically, why do bad things happen to good people? Why do bad things happen at all?

This guy was a second-year medical student in Virginia, married with a child already, and they were only in Utah for the Thanksgiving holiday and to tell their families that they were expecting another baby.

He wasn't stupid, he was an experienced caver, loved the outdoors, all that. This must've been some sort of freak accident--the first death in these caves ever.

I just think about his widow, this woman who is expecting and just lost her husband. How do you carry on? How do you keep going? How do you still find joy in life, purpose in life, a reason to be alive?

I don't know how well I would handle it. I would be so angry, so broken. I would be angry at God. I wouldn't understand.

But then I was thinking, maybe it's because I am focusing too much on the here, on the now, on how everything in this life is awful and it hurts too much. But if I think about the afterlife, about being with him again, with my family all together again, the fact that he's not really gone but just for awhile, then maybe it wouldn't be as hard, maybe I would be able to pull through. But goodness that is hard to do. It's so hard to put this reality into perspective and truly understand what forever means, how short this life is in comparison. Because this is all we know, and it's easy to get so caught up in it and see it as the only.

Then I started thinking about how the only way to hurt this badly, is to have something to lose. If I never get married or have kids, I'll never know the hurt of losing him or my children. There are a lot of different kinds of hurt in the world, the hurt of never knowing love, and the hurt of knowing love and losing it. Which is worse? Maybe there is no worse. But either way, how paradoxical and strange it is. I don't like it, ha.

It's hard to reconcile these types of contradicting thoughts in my head.

new total: almost $900.

i don't really know what i'm going to do. this is almost half of next semester's tuition. if i donate plasma for 14 weeks i can pay for it. getting stuck twice a week for over 3 months doesn't sound that fun.

what if my car doesn't even last that much longer? then this will all be for nothing won't it. no, i shouldn't think that way. my car will last forever. it freaking has to.

i hate that it started at 644 then rose 200 bucks. i hate it. i hate them. i hate everything.

i'm also trying to find pre-requisites for PA schools and according to that i'm not going to even get to apply anywhere, let alone get in. why does every single effing school have to have such effing different requirements. tell me why. does it really matter. really. and why did it take me 6 effing hours to get it all looked up in the first place.

crappy mood? how'd you guess.

Welp, got my car towed to the shop. Total cost so far: $45. He says I need to get shocks replaced, some hose thing, and a new tire. And amber glass for my turn signal lights. Ha. I bet it'll be at least $500. And I don't even know how much my ticket is yet either. Barf. Barfimus maximus.

It's made me think a lot about why bad things happen to good people. (Can I lump myself into the good person category? Any objections?) And how we're supposed to be thankful for trials. And why doesn't God protect us from the bad things. What am I supposed to learn from this? Well I know how to file a claim with car insurance now. I know how to get a tow truck. Yay. I could've done without that knowlege.

And how ironic that it is in the season of Thanksgiving that I am feeling most ungrateful. Ironic or perhaps that is what God is trying to teach me. That I should be thankful in the midst of adversity. In the midst of the crappiest of crapola times.

Well, I guess I'll try! I'm realizing a little that it doesn't do any good to feel crappy so you might as well move on. But for some reason I feel like I'm cheating myself of the experience if I get over it super fast. Because it IS crappy and it's OK to feel crappy for a little bit. I just can't dwell on it because there's nothing I can do about it. So here I go! I'll try to make the best of it!

The other funny thing I've realized is that crappy things like this don't happen if you don't have things. If you don't have a laptop, it can't break. If you don't have a car, you can't get in an accident, get a ticket, have it break. If you don't have an iPod, it can't get stolen or lost or broken. Man, if I just didn't have things, life would be great! You pay for your conveniences don't you.

In other news, I met Jason's MTC companion today! He came in to the lab. I'm confused though, he said Jason would be coming in later, that something's wrong with him. But the escort was like "No, he's fine, saw him smiling this morning!" Which cracks me up because we all know Jason doesn't smile. Haha no, joking, sorta. But anyways... so is he coming or not?! We'll see. I hope if he does come that he's not SUPER sick and that I get to see him!! Although I think I might cry if I see him... sigh.

In other other news, I finally got batteries for my camera that Ted and Dantzel are lending to me and hallelujah! I gotta get back into taking pictures! Be prepared to see some a-coming up. :)

and...

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!

Oh I'm just a girl, trying to find a place in this world

Well, got into my first car accident this morning.

I was in my car, going to work, I got ready to turn my wheel like crazy in my non-power-steering-car, and pulled out, saw a car coming, screamed, it hit me.

I was shaking a bit when I got out of the car. I had no idea what to do. The guy was nice enough. He pulled over to the side, I didn't try. my front driver's side up by the hood was bashed in and the wheel was at this crazy angle. He called some number and they sent over an officer. I called my parents. Tried to find a tow rope. We waited.

I don't know why I didn't see him. I know I didn't look that hard. But still. He must've been cruising to cause such damage to my car. I was out pretty far when he hit me. Oh, his bumper was almost completely off. Sigh.

So I spent over half an hour talking to my insurance. I only have liability so they're paying for all of his car but none of mine. My payments are going to increase huh. Ugh. My dad wants me to take my car to this place in Orem but Austin doesn't think it can make it that far. But towing it would be so expensive! I don't know what to do...

I don't know how to function without a car! How will I get to work? To anywhere? What if it costs a billion dollars to fix it? My dad won't pay more than $1000. Otherwise we should just find another junk car to last me for the next little while. How much more will my insurance go up by? Oi...

I have a biochem test tomorrow but I don't want to study, I can't focus, I just keep thinking about this. And yesterday I found out I might've taken unnecessary prerequisites for PA school while not taking the ones I do need. I feel stupid. I may or may not be hating life right now. You can decide which.

"Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day"

It wasn't really a perfect day and it was a rainy beginning. But I'm going to try to let Taylor Swift console me anyway.

nobody said it was easy, nobody said it would be so hard

I wish I could go back to the start.

Maybe things don't have to be this complicated. Maybe life doesn't have to be this complicated. Maybe God didn't intend for things to be this complicated!!!

I think I need to get back to the basics. Which is what? Love. Love God, love yourself, love others. That's all you really need. And it'll all be okay.

I just feel so overwhelmed. Like there are a million things to think about, which there are. And a million things to worry about, which there are. So many things going on! How do you simplify? It's not a matter of cutting things out--everything is important. So it's a matter of... what? Choosing not to stress out? Choosing not to let it worry you? I don't understand. Life is so hard to figure out. I guess I shouldn't expect to have it figured out by 23, but at the same time, I feel deficient, like I do need to have it figured out right now. Man, just wait till I add more things to complicate it. Ha. Like kids! Holy.

But God wants us to be happy right? And if I'm not happy right now, He's not happy. I've gotta happify myself. How? Maybe I just need to chug through until this next week's break, then rejuvenate myself. Relax, have time to myself, think things through. But getting through this week is gonna be a beast.

There are so many things that worry me about the future...

so how can I ever try to be better

Taylor Swift is stuck in my head. When I listen to her I just want to dance around and sing real loud to it. For hours. I could seriously do it for hours! I wish I had hours to do things like that. Graduation, graduation, graduation. I can't wait.

Last night was way super fun! My roommate Jamie had won free tickets to some comedy show at the Scera in Orem but couldn't go so she gave them to me and Austin! So we went to eat at Five Guys (where we had enlightening and interesting conversation) then to the show. There were tons of old people which was rather hilarious to me, but it was a sold out show so we figured it must be good. The first two comedians were alright, the first reminding me a lot of Ellen DeGeneres but not as funny. Then the highlight of the evening: Keith Stubbs.

HE WAS SO FUNNY! We were both cracking up the entire time--he didn't seem to have one bad joke. He was hilarious! Kept referring to himself as Pound Cake, as his gangsta name, he was so so so funny! I wish he was performing for a younger audience, but this one was still pretty responsive. He was seriously so funny. He must be big name because he's performed at Comedy Central and just got back from the CMAs (how did he ever get tickets to that?!) and he has a show on 101.5 here in Utah. He was seriously so freaking funny and I'm so glad we got to go! I've never been to a real comedian before so it was pretty great. :)

Then we got 3 different tubs of ice cream from Smith's and watched one of my favorite moves Two for the Road. It's a sad sort of love story, about falling in love, getting married, and how hard it can be afterwards. Albert Finney and Audrey Hepburn star and they are great. It goes through different scenes from the different parts in their lives and mix them all together. It can be kind of depressing but a high quality film and very well made so I encourage you all to see it! I just got it from the Provo City Library so you can check it out for free!

Finally, we decided on a spur of the moment to go hot tubbing! It was freezing outside but the water was absolutely perfect, too hot almost. Which was nice for when we got out and had to get back to the car. The Villa has a really nice hot tub now, and some people from my old ward a few years ago were there which was kinda funny. It was way fun and a perfect ending to a really good day!

I think I'm going to make like a dating journal. I can't remember when and what we've done so far but I want to, so I can always remember it. Maybe I'll do that over Thanksgiving, when I'll have so much free time all to MYSELF! Happy day.

My internship fair went pretty well, we had about 70 people come to hear Reggie Shaw speak which was really good. He was an amazing speaker, I wish you could all have heard him! I think he impacted everyone a ton. Hopefully this campaign has at least helped a few people decide not to text and drive anymore--if so, I'll count that as success for me!

Jason has now been in the MTC for over a week! He emailed my parents who forwarded it to me. He's doing well and learning and feeling a ton but is also having a super hard time. He says it's definitely the hardest thing he's ever done and just... really hard. I'm worried about him but all I can do is pray for him and send him letters of love and support. If you'd like to write him let me know and I'll give you his address! He could really use it. I'm afraid he's super homesick :(

Welp, nothing else to report except school is sucking the life out of me! :) Hope everyone has a good week!

Stay Alive--Don't Text and Drive!

For my internship for my major (public health) I'm working with the Utah County Health Department on a campaign against texting while driving and raising awareness of Utah's new law.

We're throwing a fair this TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 10 from 9am to 5pm in the Garden Court of the Wilkinson's Center. There will be booths talking about the new law and its consequences (really heavy fines and even possible jail time), research on why it's so dangerous (as bad or worse as drunk driving), personal stories (it can happen to anybody, including you), and statistics on BYU students' texting while driving behaviors.

At 1pm, Reggie Shaw will be speaking. He killed two people because he was texting his girlfriend while driving. He was pulled from his mission in Canada so he could testify at his trial. His story sparked the legislation that is now the new law banning texting while driving. As part of his community service hours he speaks to schools and assemblies urging them not to be as he once was, with the superman mentality that he had full control even when texting and driving. Come hear his powerful story that will hopefully help you change your behaviors for the better as well.

Let me know if you have any questions! Tell all your family and friends to stop by! Hope to see you there!

suppose I kept on singing love songs just to break my own fall

REGINA SPEKTOR WAS AMAZING.

It was quite an arduous journey to get there (had to run an errand, TRAFFIC, forgot the tickets at home (luckily weren't TOO far from home), MORE TRAFFIC, TRAFFIC TRAFFIC TRAFFIC..) but we finally got there and just in time!!!! Only had to wait like five minutes before she came on stage!! She was so happy and sweet and down to earth (along with a few expletives) and she is WOW amazing live!!! Her voice is so amazing, she is INCREDIBLY talented!!! My goodness, I was way super impressed. I loved her before but now I'm just in awe of her voice and musical abilities. One song she was keeping the beat with a drum while playing piano with the other hand and singing along and it was perfect! How does she do it?! And she sang this AMAZING a capella song about eyes (brown eyes are the only ones you can trust!!) and a country song she wrote ("you're a whore you're a whore") and she played all these amazing songs and her backup band, the violinist and cellist were Asian boys who looked our age or younger (WHAT AN AMAZING JOB THE LUCKY DUCKS) and it was just freaking sweet.

Luckily Austin is tall and was kind enough to hold me while I stood on his feet so I could see. I could only see when on my tiptoes but that was enough for me. SHE IS SO STINKIN' GOOD LIVE!!!!! I CAN'T GET OVER IT! If you ever get a chance, go see her, it's so totally worth it! Be in awe of her talents like me!!

Thank you Austin for one of the best birthday presents ever :):):)

life is good, I'm feeling you

Welp, I'm trying. It's hard not to be scared. Maybe I'm being overly cautious. But love! It's a big deal. It's okay to go slow, I think? Although Becky sent me this quote today that made me think about what I decided:

"the irony of commitment is that it's deeply liberating -- in work, in play, in love. the act frees you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around like rational hesitation. to commit is to remove your head as the barrier to your life."

~anne morris

Ha. Who knows what to think or feel anymore.

In other news, I'm pretty sure I did not do so hot on my chem test today. But on a happy note, I got a 92 on my O Chem test which is bomb diggity! On another sad note, I have ridiculous amounts of work to do this weekend if I want to get to spend time with Jason next Mon and Tues. He's coming!! He's leaving!! He reports on Wednesday to the MTC! ONE WEEK... man. I can't believe it...

This is the earliest I'm going to bed on a school night in forever. I hope it actually does me some good. Not falling asleep in class would definitely be a plus.

I love visiting teaching. I love getting visit taught. Even brief messages help and just them coming makes me feel loved and cared for. I have a support system. I think one of my favorite parts is when they pray for me. I just feel the power of their prayers so much, because it's one of the few times someone specifically prays for me. Today Sam prayed specifically that I would be able to focus and balance all the things in my life, spiritual things, social life, and other responsibilities. She also prayed that I'd be able to feel Heavenly Father's love for me. (I love it when people say that) It was so good. I really think these prayers work and they are so comforting.

Hooray for visiting and home teaching!

Random: I want a blessing.

Back to work.

Love, Part II

I got so many interesting and good responses and it's on my mind again so I figured, why not write about it?

This time I'm wondering how you can love without fear. It's always in songs and stories--

"I read with every broken heart we should become more adventurous," for example.

People apparently are supposed to love without fear of getting hurt, fear of scaring the other person, coming on too strong, etc. But these are valid things and I think you should take into account what the other person is ready for.

But at the same time, I want to be like these people in the songs and the stories! I want my heart to have the capacity to love that much! To love without holding anything back. To stop being afraid, to just love and love and love without being afraid of what could happen in the future or fear of getting your heart broken. I want to be like that!!! I want to be like Buddy the Elf: "I'm in love, I'm in love and I don't care who knows it!"

But it's so hard.. not to mention you have to watch what you do and say so you don't scare the other person. And in order to keep a clear and logical head maybe you have to put away such feelings. Maybe? Maybe not?

And I hate all the games that people play regarding love and affection. So many times it really does feel like some sort of chase. That if you give too much, they won't like you as much, because there's nothing to fight for or chase, it's just all being given to them, and that either turns them off or freaks them out. So then you back off a bit and then wham they're back in. And it's just this awful see-saw game of stupid. This happens when you're trying to date someone for the first time too, you play this dumb game of leaving them wanting. Well why do you have to do that in the first place?? Why can't you just put everything out there. Bleah. Ha. I feel so bitter right now.

Anyways. I had more thoughts but I can't remember them anymore. So we'll leave this at that.

what a wonderful weekend

after playing football in the rain

Jason (my little brother) is leaving in a few weeks to serve in the Korea Seoul West mission! His farewell talk was yesterday, so I spent this whole weekend back home with my family. I flew in Sat morning, after finishing an o chem test the night before and staying up to pack and such. Jason and I tossed the football around outside for awhile (like street children, haha) and I was actually ok!!! Which was exciting. But then it started pouring and the football got too slippery to throw so we headed in. Then we watched college football while taking turns picking songs to listen to on YouTube--he always educates me on what's popular with the kids these days every time I come home. Haha. He's lamenting that I'll be more ahead of him when he comes back in two years, heh. Anyways, he educated me a bit about football as well. Then we went to our friend Sojin's wedding reception! She and Brian were married earlier that morning. She looked so happy--I wish her the best! :) Then we went down to Federal Way to meet up with our grandparents and cousin and eat Chinese for dinner. Had TONS of leftovers that we're STILL working off.. Then spent some time with them at their home then headed home to ours.

On Sunday Jason gave an excellent talk--his topic was "The field is white already to harvest." It was really good--he talked about how we shouldn't be afraid and how we should live our lives so that the gospel is changing us and is a part of us so we aren't hypocrites preaching to others how they should live. He said the gospel and spiritual change is the only lasting and real change that can happen to people. Political change doesn't really change the everyday person. Secular change doesn't really do that. But change from the gospel really does change the lives of people and it's the most important. We need to get to work so we can help people change their lives for the better! But it's not because we are amazing and they need to be too. It's because we are all sinners and that the whole have no need for a physician but the sick do--we're all in this together, it's not a self-righteous type of change we want for others. It's because we love them and want them to have what we have that is so incredible and wonderful.

He's so different--his heart really has changed. I'm so proud of him and so happy for him. I know he's made one of the most important decisions of his life and things are just so good now! He's going to be an incredible missionary, especially because he's had such a powerful conversion himself. This was a conscious decision, to go on a mission, not just something he had to do. I know he's going to do great work. I'm so grateful for everything that contributed to this, to this change in him that's made him and our family so incredibly happy. We're so blessed!!

Afterwards a bunch of family and friends came over for lunch and we all just hung out forever. It was so good. I love my family, they're so hilarious!! And now I'm old enough to talk with the adults too, that's always fun. :)

It's just been an amazing weekend! I didn't realize how badly I needed it. I've been way stressed with school and work among other things, this being my busiest semester yet, and to have nothing to worry about all weekend, to get away, to enjoy the rain and beautiful fall weather, being at home with my family, hanging out, relaxing--it really has been incredible and I'm now rejuvenated and ready to tackle all the work I have awaiting me in Provo. I'm so grateful for this break.. :) But I'm also excited to get back to life and the wonderful things waiting for me back in Utah. :)

mmwhat you say

I'm listening to some really giggly girls right now... holy. Was I ever like that?

The real purpose of this post is to write about love.

It's such a confusing thing. There are so many different aspects. It seems so easy for some people but so hard for others. I think I'll just bullet my separate thoughts about it and see if anyone can make any sense of it.

Love unconditionally. We're supposed to, but it seems impossible, at least when you're talking about a romantic love. I used to think, no, you really need to. But how can you love someone who's being a jerk? What if someone doesn't treat you the way they should? What if they change? Then do you have to go on loving them for it to be real? Or can love end and change? Does that mean it wasn't real love in the first place?

How do you love someone without the condition that they love you back? How can you possibly put your heart out there and love a person for them, but without any conditions that they treat you well or are good to you or love you back? It doesn't make sense to me. Or maybe it's so difficult I can't wrap my brain around it.

Love is such a big deal. It's this huge thing. I wonder if very many people even really truly feel it at all. But I want to rush into it, I want to feel loved and love someone so much that I'm just so happy about it. I want to feel that lovin' feelin'!!! But if it's this really huge deal, it's obviously a lot of work as well. And it's something that doesn't come quickly. It's something that takes a whole lotta time. Because you have to get to know someone and realize that you really do truly love them, want to give everything to them, for them. It takes time for that. But I don't want time, I don't want to wait, I want it now!

And so I'll think I feel it. But I'm almost certain it's not for real. It's just me wanting it so badly that tricks myself into feeling it. Right? Maybe? But I don't want to be fake. I want to be patient and have the real thing. Rushing into things always screws everything up. I'm trying to be patient.

That brings up another point though. Is love a decision? Do people fall in love or do people choose to love? To be in love? I feel like it is a decision. You actively decide that you love them and you're going to do something about it. So you show it. Can you rush love? Can you speed it up? Can you simply decide you will and do it? And that's that? Or can you really.. fall in love? But then this just goes full circle and makes me wonder about loving with reciprocation. It sounds romantic, the idea, of loving without needing anything in return, but how many people really realize what that means? And how many people can actually do it?

I don't know. It all confuses me. I want some love guru to give me wise counsel or something. Where's a fortune cookie..

i want nobody nobody but you (clap clap pause clap)

Today after a semi-long day, I got home and went grocery shopping and made rice and picked up my study buddy and her brother and we went with my roommates to my cousin's Korean Thanksgiving party.

It was so fun! We played hilarious Korean games, hitting people as punishment of course, ate Korean food, talked... good times.

Afterwards I made pumpkin chocolate chip cookies!! Let me know if you'd like some. :)

We also danced around, listened to good music, and got the greatest idea to have a SOCK HOP!!! Everyone has mocktail parties-- what about a good ole sock hop??? Great oldies songs, fun dresses... the inspiration: "Twist and Shout" by The Beatles. Take a listen, you'll want to dance guaranteed.

Tomorrow's going to be amazing too. Lots of plans! I am happy.

I'm on a cooking streak. I just want to cook and bake all the time. Too bad I have no time. Graduation!!!!!!!!!!

Dinner group makes me cook which is nice. I'm making stuffed red bell peppers. Be excited. And I want to make these pumpkin roll things.

such a medical day!

Every day is a medical day now I guess, but yesterday was especially medical. I finally got rejuvenated and remotivated to work hard and do well for PA school. I remembered why I'm doing what I'm doing. I remembered why I love it so much.

I had work, at the health center, same as usual. But then I had volunteering at the clinic, and that was sweet. I mean it was busy which means we ran late, but oh well. I got to translate for a doctor because there were no female translators present, and he had to look at this lady's rear. She was 8 months pregnant and had hemorrhoids! He said that that's fairly common for pregnant ladies. Interesting! I love hearing about diagnoses and such. It rekindled the fire within. And then Jarom was raving about a cyst that was hidden behind a wart that a different doctor removed. And I realized how nerdy we all were, all the pre-med kids crowding around a doctor to see a really huge cyst. Haha. It was touching.

And then I went to an O Chem study group with a few girls and somehow through the conversation they found out that I work at the health center drawing blood and also volunteer doing it. They asked how many credits I was taking, if I had to pay for schooling all by myself, and I said yes and they were just so amazed! They thought I was so cool for being so busy and taking care of myself and doing all these things to get ready for PA school. (One is pre-nursing, one is pre-PA) And I remembered what it was like, being so young, and looking at the older seniors and being like wowwww I don't even know how I'm going to get there like them. And now I am that senior. I'm the one to look up to! I'm the one doing the PA shadowing, doing the internships, getting the clinical hours, all that stuff. And it made me feel good. I feel like I'm finally accomplishing something with my life.

Life is just so crazy. There is so much going on ALL THE TIME. And it never gets any easier it just changes. Different problems, different stresses. It's so overwhelming. But days like yesterday remind me of why I'm doing it all and that it doesn't have to be just check list things, but things I really enjoy. And I can enjoy them while I'm doing them! So let's do that.

book club notes-- the pleasure of my company by Steve Martin

I found these while cleaning up my gmail today. They're from my family's book club, notes I took while we were reading Ted's choice of the above titled book.

When he says that the event under the pecan tree would either resurrect him or kill him, that's so true of so many things in our lives. It's all about how we look at things, our attitude. Things can either break us down or buoy us up, motivate us to do things. Usually tragic events. hard events. But they're either super awesome or super crazy. So interesting! It's all about our attitudes and what we take away from things. It shows how much control we have over the events in our lives. How much control we have over our lives in general.

It takes the hard things to make us better. If they're not hard, they won't make us better.

You can't categorize relationships. He indulges himself with a magic square at the end, an old habit, but he says that it overflows with people and the confusion pleased him. And relationships are just... unpredictable. People are crazy and do things you don't understand, can't understand... hm. Relationships aren't categorizable.

it's been an interesting and enlightening weekend

I've figured out a lot of things about myself that I need to change. One huge thing is to stop caring what other people think about me. I've got such a golden retriever personality--I want to be liked by everyone. I stress about it and get nervous about it when there are really people I want to impress. But I need to realize that it doesn't matter what they think about it. I'll do what I do because I am that way, and they can either think I'm being fake about it, or not. They can accept me, or not. But regardless of what they do, I can still be happy about myself and can still be myself around them, around everyone. I can only control how I feel and how I act. I can't control how anybody else feels about me. So I might as well not worry about it. I shouldn't. I can't. Not if I want to stay sane. And happy.

It's interesting how different people's families are. How people raise their children way differently than everybody else. So so so differently. And you don't necessarily see it from that single person, but when you see their family you're like oh, wow, that's way different from my family. And not necessarily in a bad way. But wow can it be different.

I talked with my coworker today about dealing with other people's families and she enlightened me. It was a very therapeutic session. I'm glad people go through the same things as I do. And they have triumphed! So I can too. It's not me. It's not my fault. I can only do the best I can, and the rest is up to them.

I'm starting to feel it...

As far as the weekend went, Becky and I finally got to do a photoshoot!! She showed me one of the pictures and holy cow am I in love with it. (Check my facebook) She's amazing!!! Check out her blog (Boo Boo Photos on the right as a link) to see her work. She's so good!!! I'm so excited to see the rest of them!

I need a couple hours for some self-reflection time I think... but I never have any time.

If there are a million empty seats around me, why do you choose to sit right next to me? I like having my personal bubble. Don't pop it!!

perfect day

This is an older post from awhile ago.

Yesterday was awesome. I slept in till noon (hey! I deserve it! I wake up early every day now..), went running, hung out with Nicki (she got me an AWESOME thermos mug that is exactly ME), went OUTDOOR CLIMBING for the FIRST time with Austin and Landon, then India Fest (which I've wanted to go to since freshmen year), YoZone deliciousness afterwards, and topped the night off with Seinfeld.

Climbing was so fun! I was way super nervous beforehand... because I didn't want to die and I didn't want to look like an idiot. I didn't really know what I was getting myself into. So we went up to Provo Canyon (Rock Canyon? Are they the same thing? I don't know) and hiked up about 20 minutes, then started. The first climb I did was super hard.. it was crazy, at one point I fell off and swung around the face of the rock, which was kinda scary. But I finished it! Then we climbed up a little bit and Landon and Goff climbed this way harder one.. it was fun, we were pretty high up to start with and just hanging on this cliff. Crazy. Then I climbed a few more easy ones-- one was really fun because it had this huge crack that you just shoved your hands into to climb up. All in all it was amazing! It was beautiful outside, climbing was way fun, it really is more fun than a gym... because you're climbing an actual side of a mountain! I hope I get to go tons more!!

Then we went to IndiaFest in Spanish Fork. I've heard about it since my freshman year here, but never got to go. Finally I did! It was pretty fun, there was dancing inside the temple and things for sale and there were llamas outside (which I got super excited about) and we watched a movie/play thing then afterwards which was hilarious and silly and then they lit this huge thing on fire! It was part of the story. Just enjoy the pictures. It was intense.

All in all, a good day I would say.

new job. balloons. parking.

My new job is going great! I haven't missed a single draw yet. It's so awesome getting to draw a bunch of times instead of just the few a week. Today I kept overshooting (having to pull back the needle to get the blood going) but at least I never missed.. haha. Good times! And everyone's so nice and I got balloons as a welcoming gift and it's just awesome.

What sucks though is that parking around my apt sucks, I wasn't lucky enough to get a parking pass for the complex, so I don't know what I'm going to do... I might have to just walk to school from the health center then drive home after school when hopefully parking is a bit more freed up. We'll see?

Remember when in middle school and high school sorta, people got their friends balloons on their birthdays and it was like a popularity contest to see how many friends you had? I loved getting the balloons. They're all so pretty and always to celebrate a special occasion so you know something cool happened or whatnot. I love my balloons, even though they deflated pretty quick. Haha.

Off to class and internship and more work! Busy busy busy.

Don't Let It Get To You

Anger is Bad. Happy is Good! Learn How To Let Go Of Negativity.

www.happier.com

urrrrgghhh let it go let it go let it go let it go let it go

remember to let him into your heart

Why is everything working out.. for once?

This time last year my life felt like a shambles. I had just gotten back from Bolivia and was having a really hard time adjusting. My dream job didn't work out like I had expected/planned, my best friend left for her mission and my other moved back home, leaving the last of the quartet to rely solely on each other for support. The boy was gone. Things just weren't what they were supposed to be.

The whole year was kind of hard. That first semester especially. Nothing particularly exciting happened, lots of bad things happened, then winter break finally rejuvenated me and I had a better winter semester.

But this time around? I got my dream job, that I tried not to expect this time, which made it an even grander surprise. My internship pulled through at the last second, so now I can still graduate on time and stay sane. My class and work schedules worked out wonderfully. I'm living in an apartment with all good friends. I've got a boy who really cares about me and makes me feel wonderful and we're so happy, so far. Things are good, everything is finally... working out.

It's really strange, I think. It makes me nervous for the storm that's certainly ahead. But I think for right now, I'll just be happy that life is good and things are going well. That's one thing I'm trying so so so hard to do right now-- be happy in the moment and take things one day at a time. Not be nervous about the future or living in the past. Just happy about today.

fearless

I'm trying so hard not to get caught up now

...you're absentmindedly makin me want you

and I don't know how it gets better than this
you take my hand and drag me headfirst, fearless

so baby drive slow, until we run out of road
I wanna stay right here in this passenger seat

well you stood there with me in the doorway
my hands shake I'm not usually this way but
you pull me in and I'm a little more brave
it's the first kiss, it's flawless, really something..
it's fearless

pues...

Welp. I'm done. With summer term. Why don't I feel good about it? I'll tell you why. The final for Soc was hard. And we got our papers back. That I worked a ton on. And what did I get? An 88. He said he was impressed with everyone's papers mostly, but that the only thing he saw wrong was if your thesis wasn't very clear and so your paper was scattered. Guess what he wrote on my paper. Yup.

Sigh.... I mean I calculated my GPA and if I get an A- it's okay, my GPA stays the same, but if I get an A it goes up by .01! Which sounds stupid, I know, but I really wanted at least ONE term or semester with a 4.0!!! Why??? Why can't I ever achieve it??? Stupid A-'s always getting in the way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't worry, I know I'm being a perfectionist, blah blah blah. Sigh. It's just how I am.

Hopefully Taylor Swift and cleaning my room will make me feel better..

-chocolate milk has 400 calories per bottle?!?!

-I was studying outside and this bird kept hopping around in the tree above me, then flying around and stuff. It was cool! Except I kept getting nervous that it would poop on me.

-I don't know what I'm doing for my internship this fall. My backup plan is to take cell bio and do 6 credits of internship in the winter. But that would mean 20 hours a week plus 20 hours a week of work plus 8 credits of other classes!!! Urgh... why won't people call or email me back?!

I gotta think of 3 good things about this day!

1. At least I rocked my stats stuff earlier. (Exams: 92, 100, 92, final: 97!!)
2. It was really beautiful early this morning, when I got up at 6:30am and headed up to campus to study (and retrieve my power cord I left in the library..). I really liked it, actually. Maybe I'll try to get up earlier more often. The air was so crisp! Not like this hot crap we got goin on now.
3. Nobody took my power cord! I'm glad I go to a university where less stealings occur.

Hey, let's add a fourth!

4. I get to hang out with a good friend and my sister-in-law and brother later tonight! I'm way excited. :)

how embarrassing.

my roommates work from 6am-3pm so they nap when they get home. they've only been doing this for a few weeks however, so i have no idea they're home when i get home now, because they used to work till 8pm every day. so today i was walking around in my underwear and i even talked to myself a little bit. i really hope they were still sleeping while i was doing so... but what if they were awake? haha...

Why do some people not listen when you talk? You're trusting them as a friend, telling them legitimate concerns, and they start shuffling through magazine ads. Are you really that boring? Are your concerns really that boring to them? Do they really not care THAT much? Seriously?

Why are people so rude? Why is just listening so hard? Why are some people so crappy at being a good friend?

Gah. Sometimes I hate people.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8xpY49Q2mjw

I'm being all poppy lately. As in practically all summer. Ha. Poppies...

espanyol.

I'm sitting at my booth, promoting international development internships, when these two Latinos come and ask questions and such. I tell them I did my internship in Bolivia. THEY STARTED TALKING TO ME IN SPANISH. But! It was okay! Even though I was so nervous I started sweating like crazy, I apparently did pretty well b/c they were super surprised and kept saying I had really good Spanish. :):):):):) I love it when that happens. It happened last week at the TRC too, the RM I was being taught with was like "Wow your Spanish is so good!!" Happy day.. :)

I really need to practice more though... what's that program at BYU where you talk with a native for an hour?

tender mercies

I have been seeing the hand of God in my life a lot more recently. Recognizing it more. We went camping this weekend and it was super fun, and some things went wrong, but in the end it couldn't have worked out better and I really think we were blessed with safety and security. I could've crashed Becky's car twice, when I was driving it. But nothing happened. We could've tipped over or fallen off any of the roads, which were crazy winding dirty roads. When Trevor's car died down the mountain, we could've gone ahead and missed him, and without reception how would they have gotten down or contacted anyone? It got towed safely, they all were safe, they found a ride back to Provo. Incredible! There were just so many terrible things that could've happened but God kept us safe. I'm so glad we prayed before and after. I'm so grateful for friends that I can pray with and really believe I will be kept safe with. I'm so grateful for a Heavenly Father who blesses us continually with such safety and health.

Ha, every Sunday I get rejuvenated by church and want to become better and feel like yes, I can really do it this week. But then every week I fail again and again, fail to remember Him, fail to remember to try to be more charitable, etc. I really hope I can remember my goals this week and truly progress and begin the change to becoming a better person.

the happenings of summer

I feel like I'm having such a good summer. It's filled with doing tons of things, being independent, working and school and living on my own-- I'm lovin' it! I want to remember all the memories so I'll record them here...

I went to the Manti Pageant with some people from my ward. It's a couple hours away so we drove down and had fun chatting and such. Dan Hinckley is in my ward! (an old family friend) He was in my car so that was fun. It was "The Mormon Miracle Pageant" which basically was the story of Joseph Smith intermingled with the stories in the Book of Mormon, what the book is about and the important stories from it. You sit in this huge audience and the actors are on the hill of the Manti temple. The dialogue and music are prerecorded I believe, so you watch the action unfold as these little people run across the hill. It's really awesome how they choreograph it and such! It was so beautiful. They did a really good job and I enjoyed it a ton more than I thought I would, honestly. If you ever have a chance to see the Hill Cumorah pageant or any other one, do it! I highly recommend it!



Fourth of July weekend came next! I had no idea it was such a huge deal in Provo! I started off by seeing the hot air balloons launch off way way way early in the morning... I missed the huge launch but I got to see a ton. It was cool! Then that night, people lined up all along University Ave, camped out since 3pm, and it was just a nonstop party. It's so they get a good spot to see the parade, but I think it's just a party excuse too. My friend Andy was throwin a party and it was siiiick. Huge screen with wii games/movies outside, food, dance party inside-- it was so fun! After we hit that up we walked around, found some floats parked in the BYU parking lot and took some pics but left so the cops wouldn't get mad. Then it started lightning and raining super hard which was way fun and looked so cool. Then Becky and I hit up the hospital for some late night treats.

On Saturday, the 4th, we went to SWEET TOMATOES for lunch/dinner which was BOMB. Then we went to the Sugarhouse park in SLC for the fireworks!! I got some sweet pics and it was an awesome fireworks show. Then on Sunday we got to feed the ducks after church and chill. It was probably the best fourth of july holiday I've ever had.
























Next up...

HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF BLOOD PRINCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was my first midnight showing ever and so much fun! Jamie had bought over 30 tickets so we waited in line with all our friends and it was so fun! I loved the movie, I thought it was the best one so far. I loved the dialogue and the funny teen love moments and how their acting has totally improved. Good work team! See if you can guess who everyone was dressed up as...













and finally....

CALIFORNIA!!!!!!!!!

Jamie stuck her name in the Wilk ride board and we got a ride to Riverside for the weekend! I had to take a midterm early (but I rocked it :D) and skip work and class but it was so worth it!! We visited April and had so much fun! The singles wards are hoppin' over there! On Friday night we went to a huge multi-stake regional dance, which was way fun, then afterwards we were like let's go to the beach! So we drove over to Santa Monica and hung out on the pier, where we met up with some other kids from the dance and this black guy was freestylin' about LDS singles kids and it was just so fun!! On Saturday we hung out at the beach allllll day! Boogie boardin', chillin, BBQ, bonfire with s'mores.. oh man! We met SO many awesome people-- they are so friendly and I felt so comfortable so quickly. It was an awesome weekend. :)


Until next time, kids!

Thank you Jason for helping out of my bad mood, making me realize what more there is to life, and revitalizing my desire to be kind to people.

Basically, I have the greatest little brother ever. He is such an example to me now. What an amazing kid. He just turned in his mission papers!! We might even know by next Wednesday where and when he's going! I can't wait!

Tons has happened! Harry Potter number six. California road trip. But all that's on my mind is how much I don't like people sometimes, and how much work I have to do.

Why are people so inconsiderate? Why are they so selfish and think the world revolves around themselves and expect you to do everything to their convenience. Ugh. People just suck, sometimes. Times like these I wish I was rich enough to live solo.

Prevent Cervical Cancer!

Cervical cancer is one of the few diseases that is easily prevented by the HPV Vaccine. Take advantage of this!! People think requiring this will encourage teens to have sex earlier or think they're invincible, but this is the same incorrect thinking that goes along with abstinence-only sex education. This type of sex ed has shown to be ineffective and does not prevent kids from having sex. Instead, education on STDs and their dangers and how to protect yourself helps them know the facts, be safe, and does NOT encourage earlier first intercourse. Plus, when it comes down to it, wouldn't you rather your kids not get cancer or other terrible diseases than to risk not vaccinating them because of a fear not backed with facts?

• Cervical cancer is caused by the HPV virus. Females between the ages of 9 and 26 can get an HPV vaccine that prevents 70% of cervical cancers.
• To prevent cervical cancer women over the age of 18 should get regular pap tests even if they have had the HPV vaccine. See www.cancerutah.org/prevent for more information.

Getting regular PAP smears is also an important part of prevention of this and other diseases or problems. Once a year is recommended, I believe, I think after you become sexually active. I don't think they're as bad as perceived and the doctors are usually super nice. You can request female doctors too, if that helps. Don't be scared! Your health is important and worth it!

Feliz Dia del Padre!

Memories of my Daddy:

During sacrament meeting I loved sitting next to my dad. It was always a privilege. He'd sneak us cough drops (or other real candies..) and play with our hands and let us play with his tie. It was always so fun!

My favorite game to play was Hide 'n Seek. Once in the first house I can remember, we played and couldn't find him FOREVER. We searched and searched but he had disappeared! We finally found him when... we sat on the couch in confusion and realized he was laying flat on the couch underneath the cushions. Haha...


He loves taking pictures and recording videos. The huge clunky videorecorder that he carried everywhere finally broke one day, when we went on The Ghostrider rollercoaster at Knott's Berry Farm one summer. He decided it'd be a good idea to record the ride, it'd be fun to watch right?? Well... it knocked around and broke and for the longest time we didn't have any recordings... so strange. Now he has a new digicam, and a digital camera, and he's never seen without one or the other.. or both! I think my love of photography blossomed from him. :)


We would have "Daddy Interviews" with him when we were little when we got our one-on-one time with him and just talked with him. I can't remember what we talked about but I remember I loved them and always wanted to go first. We just loved being with him.

He raised me on music-- the Oldies, specifically. In fifth grade The Beatles were my favorite band, but I was embarrassed to tell people because I didn't know any other "popular" bands. But now I'm so glad that I got such an amazing musical education. I'm a legit Beatles fan!!


"Daddy Lectures" were famous in our house. He loves giving advice and wisdom. While we made fun of it then, now I always seek his advice on my own. A father's advice for his children is so important and should be listened to. I'm grateful for it now.

Daddy, thank you for everything you've taught me and given me and not given me. Everything's impacted me. I'm so lucky to have an awesome dad like you. :) I love you. Happy Father's Day!

Catching a bunny is the best thing that's happened to me this summer.

So Jamie, Caroline, and I were driving home on Saturday night when the dialogue went like this:

Jamie: Look! A cat!
Me: That's not a cat, that's a bunny!
Jamie: A bunny?! Let's catch it!

She swerved to the curb. I jumped out of the car. We chased the bunny.

"BUNNY! BUNNY!" "CONEJITO! CONEJO!"

After chasing it across the street to the duck pond, up rape hill, down rape hill, around the grass, after laughing hysterically and having to stop because we wanted to puke, after getting laughed at by passersby, Jamie finally trapped it under some sticks and grabbed it! We had caught the bunny!!!!!!

We put it in the back of the car and I sat with it while we drove on. Eventually we took it to Jamie's house (in Orem) b/c her lil sister used to breed and sell rabbits so she had a cage and food already! What luck! We named it Tuley because I was telling them about Tularemia, a disease you can get from rabbits. (I know I know, I would do something like that..)

He's doing well! We made fliers and put them up around Provo, so hopefully the owner will see it and call us! Oh, I should've mentioned that. It's definitely a pet rabbit and not wild. So no worries, we didn't capture some poor native rabbit, but one that needs to get back to its owner. We saved it from being road kill!!!

So if you know anyone who lost a rabbit around South of Provo, let me know!!!

what I am to you is not real

From a starburst poker night

"Volcano" --Damien Rice

I'm taking a sick day from work. I got five hours of sleep due to not being able to sleep. Ha. My nose is going nuts, my room was littered with used tissues until I cleaned up just a minute ago, my throat kinda hurts and I'm coughing like I have TB (ha ha). So I'm takin it easy today. I have the nicest friends and home teachers ever. They brought me meds and juice! So nice... :) And I had myself some chicken soup, watched some House, now I'm tidying up while listening to Pandora (which is being fantastic at the moment) and just enjoying the downtime.

I miss fall weather. I miss wearing long sleeves and sweatshirts and not having to shave.

Summer is going well. I'm liking the wacky weather actually. I know most people are mad that Utah's not being stable and just being hot and dry, but I'm so glad-- I'd be going crazy right now and never leaving the house. I don't like it when it's too hot unless I'm in the water. I miss lakes and oceans... anyways. I like the intermittent rain and dark clouds.

I'm kind of excited for summer term to start. I know that's weird. I also know I'll be eating my words soon. I think I'm going to be burnt out winter semester. But that's okay, I'll fight through it, on my way to victory, freedom, and a bachelor's degree! (Finally!)

Here's some photographic evidence of what I've been doing the past monthish:

Jamie's parents run Best of State-- a Utah competition for restaurants, businesses, etc. It was black tie and we volunteered. So fun!

Memorial Day pool party



Girls' night out! We dressed up and went out to eat then to a dance then watched a movie!

I have no idea what the h I'm doing or thinking or feeling and I can't seem to solve anything and I feel like a failure at everything I do, including just being happy.

baby you can drive my car

remember: it's not worldly things that will make you happy. you won't be happier if you do this or that or lose ten pounds or whatever. real happiness and joy comes from the gospel. now stop forgetting that.

my January friend

It's interesting and fascinating that each person you encounter in life is like a string of web leading you to attach to several other people, even if in a small tiny way. And each person that you have a friendship, a relationship, a short encounter with, is another person, is another connection, something that affects you and probably will come up again sometime in your life before you die. So many people. So many connections. It boggles me. I wonder how much I'll think about these people, people I've met and shared part of my life story with this year, will I remember them in ten? Will I still think about them? Have they impacted me?

Let them eat cake. Wedding cake. (from a reception last Sat)

it's too late for you and your white horse

• I am recently obsessed with Taylor Swift and Beyonce.
• My guitar neck cracked and it's in the shop. Please be more careful with it everybody. Many thanks. I miss it dearly.
• I need more money. I need more hours. I need actual work.
• I don't know how my schedule is working out next year. I don't know if I'll be able to afford school at all.
• I am kind of ridiculous when it comes to relationships. I think too much and have too many weird complexities that I need to analyze then get over. I feel sorry for whoever's on the other end. I wonder if he even knows what he's gotten himself into.. haha.
  
• I never shave.
• I want to be 15 pounds lighter by the end of the summer.
• I care a lot about what other people think.
• I get embarrassed easily.
• Florida was really really fun. It was so good to take a break. I'm in love with the beach. My back is as dark as a Bolivian's. Only my back though. Strange. I snorkeled for the first time. I played in white sand and warm ocean water for the first time. I absolutely loved it.
• Seattle was also really awesome. It's the first time I left and didn't want to. I love my family a ton. As crazy as they are... they are also pretty cool.
• I'm grateful for my car.

Florida!!! I found a hermit crab and was very excited.

musings of the first sunny day in awhile

sunset at Jeju Island, Korea

I just went running. It's beautiful outside. I sat out in the sun/shade reading from Alma. And for some reason I thought about scripture reading, which reminded me of something Lauren (Sister Truman) said to me last year. She said that she's noticed that I've changed, spiritually, for the better. And instead of me doing other things when she randomly comes over, I'll be reading my scriptures. I'm so glad she told me that because... I don't know. It just made me so happy. It made me realize that I really had changed. And thinking about it... yeah sometimes things do suck and things have been really hard this year, but yet, I'm still at such a good place, monumentally better than just a few years ago. And that makes me so so so happy.

My testimony is stronger than ever. I don't forget about God anymore, or not see His hand in things, or not talk to Him. I don't try to be rebellious for the sake of being different. I don't try to bend the rules or push the boundaries. Ok I'm starting to realize that maybe I'm coming off as self-righteous. I'm not trying to be! Because that's not the point. The point is the end product, the point is that I'm so so so much happier. And that doesn't mean like... happy all the time because I think I have been down more this year than others, but it means I'm at least just comforted in knowing someone is always there or... I don't know. I'm sorry, I wish I could explain this better. Maybe it's joy. Maybe it's just that knowledge of Christ brings me joy, not necessarily the happy emotion that flits around, but a constant just surety that is peaceful and comforting.

I don't know. I just feel different now than I did when I was a sophomore. I feel like I've grown a ton and gone through a ton and am feeling good about it.

I hope your finals are going well and that you're enjoying the sunshine even with the studying. :)

My life in photo form

My internship didn't win anything at the Showcase, but I still got to show off my work and pictures and talk to people about it. And a $50 gift card isn't bad either... :) **I forgot to say thank you to everyone who came to see my booth!!! You don't know how happy it made me-- thank you so much!! :):):)
Personally, I think my photos looked dang good.Someone had an Obama cut-out at their booth. Of course I couldn't resist..


Stir fry was the dinner for tonight. I'm trying to be healthier. I was inspired by Colin, while we were phlebotomizing tonight. I was 4 for 4 tonight! Not bad not bad, after a 2 week hiatus. Talked to a lady from Trujillo, Peru too. Good times.