I love Christ's words.

Today's readings: 3 Nephi 12 and 13.
Today's song: "This is the Christ" sung by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Youtube is down right now, otherwise I'd post the link. But look it up and listen--so beautiful and powerful.

love,
jean.

hum.

My mom commented that I haven't posted in awhile (which, in reality, means just a week, ha) and I realized nothing is really going on in my life at the moment. But maybe I'll write about mundane things just because.

I'm kind of depressed about this job hunt thing. Yesterday I applied to 11 places and I just finished a couple more applications this morning. It's really just depressing. Getting into the medical field (and almost any job nowadays) all depends on who you know, who can get you in. I had that in, when I interviewed last month. But alas, they were dumb and decided not to hire me even though they just barely hired someone else... when I only have 2 weeks of school left! Gah! I'm calling them today to see if they have any other openings but I know they won't. And I hate it.

What happens if I don't get a job? Honestly, I have no clue. I mean, I won't be able to afford living. What do I do? Move back home? No way. But it seems the only option. Oi vey. I guess I could apply to other non-medical positions just to live until I get a medical job. Sigh. We shall see.

In other news... well, there really is no other news. My apartment is starting to drive me crazy and I think my mental sanity will break soon. I don't know if I'm strong enough to handle it. And I haven't been able to sleep for practically all semester so I'm tired all the time, like today. And yesterday. And the day before and the day before and the day before... I don't get it, I'll be so tired but it still takes me at least an hour to fall asleep. Which means I'm only getting 6 or less hours of sleep every night. I know it's not healthy, I get to bed at a fairly decent hour, but when you can't actually fall asleep, there's a problem. What do I do? I'm almost contemplating taking allergy pills just because they make me so drowsy. Ha!

General Conference this weekend. Hopefully it'll rejuvenate me.

Happy 51st Birthday, 엄마!

Today my mom turns 51. But you look at these pictures and tell me how young she looks. :) She is beautiful.My mom is a happy person. She is a friendly person. She goes out of her way to make people feel welcome, comfortable, at ease, etc. I know you know this if you've ever visited my house. She'll stuff you to the rafters then send you home with more food in your hands. She smiles and laughs a lot and enjoys life. I love laughing with her. She is hilarious. :)My mom is a spiritual person. She has a great relationship with God. She loves the scriptures, she loves prayer, she loves the Gospel. She shows it in how she treats people, where she puts her priorities, and in her faith and optimism for life. She always got us to read scriptures every night when we were growing up, to do family home evening no matter how busy or cranky we all were about it, and to pray before leaving for school even if we were about to miss the bus. She taught us Gospel principles and how to lead good and honest lives. She always works so hard in her callings and in helping others. She is an amazing example of how I want to show God my love for Him and His children.My mom is smart. She speaks two languages, well enough to do translation jobs. She became a real estate agent all on her own. She has street smarts--I watched her barter in Korea once and was amazed at her skills. She raised three kids and sent two on missions. She knows how to cook with the best of them. She loves to read and does so as much as she can. She emphasized the importance of education in our home and I am forever grateful for the discipline she taught me.My mom loves her family. One example I think of is when at church a few weeks ago, the lesson was on Abraham and how he had to sacrifice his son, Isaac. When asked if she could sacrifice my oldest brother, Ted, her eyes immediately filled with tears. That's how powerfully she loves my family. Even talking about a hypothetical situation floods her with emotion. I know she would do anything and everything for us, for me. She wouldn't even hesitate. She is what a mother should be. But she does it in the best way. She doesn't feel the need to brag about us or show off or do things for us so that we don't learn. But we still know how much she loves us and I am so grateful for that. She still takes such good care of her first family too, my grandparents and aunt and uncles. She's always thinking about them and putting them first. She is so selfless--I don't know if I could ever be as good as she is.Happy Birthday, Mom, and thank you for all you've ever done, still do, and will do for me. You are the greatest and such a good example to me. I love you so much. :)

I am feeling accomplished

I have been feeling a little down lately so I am going to write things about myself that I am happy about. Power of positive thinking, right?

**I ran 9 miles on Wednesday.
**I finished my histology paper today which took probably 30 hours to write. It's a week early. I planned ahead so I'd have time to study for my genetics and psychology midterms next week. It feels good to be a good student.
**I started Easter packages for my missionaries and finished a separate one and sent it off for a special someone whose birthday is next week :)
**I've been sticking to my budget and even going a little under it.
**I've got visiting teaching scheduled and it's not last minute.
**I am good at both of my jobs. I am working hard and I enjoy it. I have great jobs.
**I decided to spend time in my scriptures every day for the rest of forever and so far I'm doing it.
**I am feeling like a better cook.

talk about a full day. i should be heading to the library but i wanted to take a minute and just SIT. so that's what i'm doing.

i've been blogging a lot lately. march madness.

today was my first 9 mile run day! and i did it!! and i did it in good time!! i was super happy about that. sure my right foot started hurting about mile 4 and after mile 5 i was bummed i still had 4 more left but i perked up around mile 6ish and then my friend sean honked and yelled at me when i had just a mile left and i was in a tank top and shorts and it felt like summer and i really did feel good. :)

only 4 miles left! heck, only 2 left for training. i'm getting so close!!! i think i like the long runs better than the short runs even. and i feel great after that 10K on saturday. i think it really helped me get my faster muscles going. i'm making way better time now and feel faster which is super great. i love racing!

but then i had to rush to the store to buy food for dinner group tonight (tofu casserole--it was really good! and garlic bread, salad, green beans, limeade, and mint choco chip ice cream. green... for st. patrick's day... hopefully you gathered that). and i was just going to get st. patty's day cookies for the holiday but smith's didn't have anything! so i went to macey's, which had some things but not much so i just got green ice cream. but then i got caught in traffic heading home and by the time i arrived i had less than an hour to cook. i thought i was fine b/c i had glanced at the recipe and the casserole only took 30 min to bake. but i didn't know i had to cook the sauce for 10 and that the prep for the sauce would take way longer than i anticipated. so i texted my dinner group to come 10 min late... but dinner still wasn't ready... i ended up being like 25 min late. but they were all chatting, nobody was in a rush, so i think it was okay.

i'm kinda ticked though. my roommates disappeared to the back and even after getting the text that dinner would be late they didn't come out once to ask if i needed help. but they ask for help all the time! and then my gosh, only when one of them sees me running downstairs to borrow our neighbor's oven holding pans of garlic bread in my hand does she ask "um do you need help?" but i didn't respond and kept running out the door. b/c i was kinda ticked. this was when i was already 10 minutes late, mind you. i don't know, it just seemed super inconsiderate. i didn't really appreciate it. heck, i came back and was still frantically running around the kitchen and none of them asked again. so dumb.

but i'm trying to let my runner's high continue through the night so even though i have a huge paper ahead of me, i'll try to be content with things.

Julie B. Beck

She spoke a fireside I went to last night and I am so glad I went. It was a question and answer session, which I usually am not a fan of, but this time everything was so relevant and so good for me to hear. I loved how she answered every question with a scripture. It's not her thoughts, experiences, or doctrine. It's God's doctrine that she's using to help us. I think that's so important. Here are some things that I learned/would love to share:

--Motherhood is an essential leadership position for women. We are half responsible for the plan of salvation. We all should be mothers and we all should prepare to be mothers even if we are scared that we are inadequate or scared that it won't happen to us. We need to prepare for it no matter what, even if it will hurt if we don't become mothers in this life. She talked about her counselor (I forget her name) who is not a mother but has prepared her whole life to be one and is a spectacular woman because of it. And I'm sure she's mothered just not directly, to so many people.
--Moroni 7:40: Hope. Losing faith and hope affects your decisions and actions in everything, in your relationships with people. So don't lose it! We should be hopeful about marriage and having children. We have every reason to be! And I was thinking, even if we can't get ourselves to have faith and hope in people, because let's be honest, we all let each other down sometimes, we can at the very least have faith in our God. We can know that He will always take care of us, even if a relationship doesn't work out or we lose a loved one or things don't go the way we planned or wanted. In the end, He will still always be there and we can always count on Him. It's so reassuring to me. I always feel so much better after I remember how much I can depend on Him.
--D&C 125: how to treat the men in your life. :) She said that it's tough to be a man in this world! Expectations are convoluted how they think and feel they should act. We need to be there for them as much as they are for us. And this prepares you for marriage. (Yes I realize it sounds like she only talked about marriage and having children which may sound silly or trite but I am realizing more and more how big of deals they both are and how important it is to prepare for them. No it doesn't mean we're all marriage hungry or baby hungry but it means we understand the importance and sacredness of both things and are taking them seriously.)
--Someone asked how she knew she wanted to marry her husband. This was cute. :) She had him stand up next to her and they talked about how oh, it must have been their similar tastes in music that brought them together. He said he liked country. She said she liked classical. Ok, it must've been their taste in movies! He likes thrillers, she likes Pride and Prejudice. How about books? Nope. Other interests? Nope--basketball versus what she likes, which I can't remember. But then they said that while you won't love all the same things and that you'll disagree on some things, you need to agree on the important things and then you'll be okay. She talked about how she knew they were on the same page regarding their testimonies of God and this Gospel. He was a worthy Priesthood holder who fulfilled his callings and loved his family and was trying to do all the right things. And that is what mattered the most. And then they said that now she has been to countless basketball games and he has learned to like classical music. :)
--How do you know when you're doing well? If you're feeling the spirit, doing good, teaching the gospel. It isn't about outward measures or comparisons.
--Missions are working the hardest you've ever worked in your whole life. To the women: go! But if you're going because you can't get a job, you're bored, you don't know what else to do in your life, then stay home. Sister missionaries have a reputation for being either the very best in the field, or the very worst. Don't go unless you are going to be the very best of the best. If you're going to be babysat by your companion and waste everyone else's time, don't go. (I thought this part was awesome :))
--Someone asked how she came to have such a great knowledge of the scriptures. She said that it was very simple. One day she just decided that every day for the rest of her life, she would spend some time in the scriptures. No time constraints or chapter constraints, just some time. And ever since then she has learned from the scriptures. I want to do this as well. And to really study them. I want so badly to have that kind of knowledge as well, to be able to remember immediately where I can read about certain topics. Hopefully this will help!

That was a lot. But it was all so good! Something I gathered from everything too was that whenever I'm being cranky or in a bad mood or depressed or overwhelmed or whatnot, it's because I've lost perspective for the time being of what I'm doing on this earth and what is important. It's when I've gotten so caught up in the trials of my life that I forget what they are ultimately for, what I am ultimately for. When I go to a fireside like this, or hear an inspirational talk, or somehow get a jolt of reality, I realize that I haven't been doing all the right things. I haven't been looking for ways to help others or reading my scriptures faithfully or praying sincerely or thinking about my family and friends and what I can do for them. The part where she talked about how you know you're doing well--it helped so much. I realize I need to do that more, mentally ask myself every day if I'm doing good, teaching the gospel (if only by example), feeling the spirit. If not I'm going to have to figure out how to get it back. That's the only real and true way to happiness.

I mostly wrote this to get my thoughts out, and put them somewhere I could come back and remind myself everything I've felt. But hopefully you've gained something from this as well. :)

rex lee run!

see us on the left?

Today I ran my first 10K race!! It was the Rex Lee Run, at BYU, with proceeds going towards cancer research. If you want to read every single detail about it, read on... if not, I'm not offended. Just scan the pictures. :)

I was really nervous kind of all week, and then last night I couldn't sleep very well and ended up not getting that much sleep. Just had some oatmeal for breakfast then headed out. Opened the door apprehensively... IT WASN'T RAINING! Somehow we got the miraculous 10% chance that it WOULDN'T rain this morning!! So I happily headed over to meet my friends from the clinic; we were all running together. Only Andrea, Mike, and I were there so we walked over and met up with Erin and Travis. We all talked about how nervous we've been, none of us could sleep, well Andrea was up with her baby all night b/c he was sick, and how we had to beat Travis (still don't know if Erin beat him!!) and stuff like that. They made fun of me for not having any music to run to... and then we were off!

And guess who I see on the sidelines.... Austin!! He biked over and took pictures of me racing around. How awesome is he?! It made me so happy :):)

So we started off--the hill was in the beginning. I was pretty tired after but then it was the long 900 E stretch downhill so I decided to take advantage of gravity and let it pull me down. I tried to make up for the slow time at our first mile (10:40! what the heck) so I went fast. Talk about adrenaline and a million runners around you to distract you from your tired legs. I just concentrated on passing people and such. It was way longer than I thought it would be so I was kinda tired at the end but I didn't want to slow down so I tried to keep the pace up. But I was doing super well at the 3 mile mark--26 minutes! I was hitting about a 9 minute pace! And definitely made up for the slow first mile.

So I'm running and running and guess who I see... yes, Mr. Austin Bond Goff, waiting for me at a corner in his running gear. He ran with me the last two miles! He is so sweet. I was so tired I couldn't talk at all or even give him bones but it was nice to have someone to push me. I was so tired rounding the last lap of the track but I booked it the last 100 meters as fast as I could and finished the race! Passed two girls that had been ahead of me the entire time too! And ended up running it in 54 minutes!! :):):)

right after finishing and holding back two urges to puke

For you hardcore people that are super fast, 54 is good for me b/c I was hoping for even a 60 minute finish. So happy day!

And it started sprinkling while we were walking home. We missed the rain! :)

Mike and Andrea--yay we did it!!

And then I got to go with two of my favorite girls, Nicki and Jamie, to Saigon, our favorite restaurant, for lunch and bonding time! Then Nicki and I went shopping for cheap produce and scored big!

It's been such a good day and it's not even 3pm!

Don't I have the best looking and most awesome guy ever??

something about running

I ran into a girl the other day on campus, Sabrina, who was in my jogging class over this past summer. And I thought about how we were so incredibly excited to see each other, even though all we've had was that one class. Which led me to think about all the people I've run/still run with, and how running is such a bonder.

There's just something about going on a nice long run with someone, pushing each other, working hard together, enjoying the outdoors, enjoying a good workout, and then those endorphins at the end. You can't help but bond! Plus the fact that all you have is each other out there for however long the run is, so you talk. And you really get to know each other. Nothing else to do, right? :)

I love my running buddies. I want more of them. Sign yourself up! :)

I'm learning all sorts of things in my psychology class. You know how people always say if you're feeling unhappy just smile and you'll start feeling better? Did you know that it's true???

"The facial feedback hypothesis proposes that expressions amplify our emotions by activating muscles associated with specific states, and the muscles signal the body to respond as though we were experiencing those states. Thus, when we simulate the facial expressions normally associated with happiness, we may feel happier. Similarly, the behavior feedback hypothesis assumes that if we move our body as we would when experiencing some emotion (shuffling along with downcast eyes, as when sad), we are likely to feel that emotion to some degree."

Ok so I guess since these are hypotheses they may not necessarily be true but I still think there's some truth to it. I'll have to try it. Usually I'm a fan of feeling out your emotions instead of just changing them so you can be happier, because I feel like it's important to feel different things and not just cover them up. But I know there's a point where you need to change and lift yourself up again, that there's no point in feeling downtrodden, or pitying yourself endlessly. So let's try to be happier, people! Ready set go!

And there will I meet thee

Ether 1:42

It shows the Lord's compassion for the brother of Jared. He will meet him there, He will bless him. It just kind of reminds me that the Lord loves us and wants to help us. And that I should trust Him and let Him work more in my life. I think I forget that He's there and that He can help me.

I think trust is the theme of this year. I've been realizing that a lot of times I just have to trust. God, friends, people. Have faith in them. Trust and faith. Why is it so hard for me to do? It comes so easily to others. Well, everyone has their vices, I guess. How do you work on your trust and faith in people and in God?

I was thinking while I was running the other day--I was running across a bridge--and I realized that every single day we go around trusting so many things, like buildings. I trusted that whoever built that bridge built it so well that me running across it wouldn't break it and cause me to fall into the river underneath. We trust that people don't spit in our food when they serve it to us. We trust that our roommates won't steal our stuff when we're gone. (Ok maybe only in Provo for that one haha) We have to have faith in really simple things every single day. Because people are held accountable for such things. It kind of amazes me, that humans have created this society of set rules where such things are just... you have to do them. And that's what lawsuits and all that crazyness is about. (This is turning into a rambling thought) It just interests me, is all, I guess. That we go about life trusting that people will do what society tells them to do, what we feel obligated to do.

If I have this enormous faith in these people, how can I not have faith in my God? He who created all things, He who has all power and knowledge, He who knows me best and can help me best. Yet, it is so hard. Somehow. But I will work on this. It's important.

I never know how to end entries.

today was definitely better.

i ordered my graduation cap and gown! super exciting. i got lots of free candy and treats while i was at the grad fair. but i'm trying to decide whether or not i want to get announcements or not. they look awesome, i'd love to have one as a keepsake. and they will inevitably bring me money from relatives/friends, which would be awesome. but they're fifty bucks! boo...

i ran another 8-miler today! (like eminem) it was the weirdest run ever! the first 3 miles were really strange. i ran suuuuper slow and couldn't feel my legs. i know that sounds weird. i can't really describe it. but they felt... kind of like i was so tired i couldn't even feel them. but i had just started! i checked my watch at the 3 mile point: 36 minutes!!!!! i was running 12 minute miles! what the heeeck?? so i changed my mindset (i had wanted to run this faster than the 8 i ran on saturday) to just finishing the run. so i kept going slowly, trying to speed up, but it wasn't really happening. but then! the next 3-4 miles were great! i felt really good and got into a good groove. and while last week the last mile or so killed me, this time i felt so good i tried to go faster. i wasn't tired, i was feeling really good. so i booked it the last little bit. and cut my time by 3 minutes!!!!!! how the heck did that happen???

so i ended up running for an hour and 24 minutes which is almost a 10 minute mile pace, which is my tentative goal for the half-marathon. now for all you hard core runners out there, don't scoff at my slow mile times. sustaining it for 13 miles is good! so hush now.

i'm going home tomorrow!!!!!!! i am soooooo excited. it's making it hard to study/do school work but for the most part i'm caught up and ready to play. i can't wait to see my family! utahns are lucky they can see theirs so often. well, anybody that goes to school near their family. but it makes it sweeter for me every time i see them. so it's good, i like how it worked out. anyways, i'm way stoked. i have our whole weekend planned! ballard locks, UW, pike place, space needle, downtown bellevue, the waterfront, newcastle beach park, and of course austin looked up places to climb. haha. he'll climb while i run. and then i'll climb a bit after. and THANK YOU rain gods for smiling upon us this weekend. looks like beautiful skies are the forecast. :)

ok maybe i should start some hw now eh?

urrrrgh

i'm tired of not having time to focus on school. i'm mad at myself for not making time to focus on school. therefore i am also mad at my low quiz grades and feeling really stupid every tuesday and sometimes thursday. i'm sick of 8 hours of tissue bio straight every tuesday (8am to 3pm). i'm mad that my desire to run a half-marathon has also interfered with schoolwork, because training takes so much time. but that doesn't even hurt too much b/c it's WORK that is scheduled during open lab hours. THAT'S what's killing me. i hate having to work while at school!

that is a half-lie because i like my jobs and i like being busy and productive and independent and hard working. but at the same time i just want to screw it and be one of those kids that doesn't have to work during college and can just study and play and have a grand ole time. spoiled punks. the worst part is they don't even realize how good they freaking have it. DON'T EVEN REALIZE!!!

i'm sick of feeling stagnant. i'm sick of not progressing. with anything. it's terrible. things just feel terrible. no, i am not pms-ing. i am just in an angry mood.




so sick so sick of being tired
and oh so tired of being sick

bleah

Sometimes I feel like I wasn't made to be patient, confident, independent, trusting, or optimistic. Among other things.