reconcile

Did you hear about the man who died in the Nutty Putty caves this week?

I've been thinking a lot about that and similar things. Basically, why do bad things happen to good people? Why do bad things happen at all?

This guy was a second-year medical student in Virginia, married with a child already, and they were only in Utah for the Thanksgiving holiday and to tell their families that they were expecting another baby.

He wasn't stupid, he was an experienced caver, loved the outdoors, all that. This must've been some sort of freak accident--the first death in these caves ever.

I just think about his widow, this woman who is expecting and just lost her husband. How do you carry on? How do you keep going? How do you still find joy in life, purpose in life, a reason to be alive?

I don't know how well I would handle it. I would be so angry, so broken. I would be angry at God. I wouldn't understand.

But then I was thinking, maybe it's because I am focusing too much on the here, on the now, on how everything in this life is awful and it hurts too much. But if I think about the afterlife, about being with him again, with my family all together again, the fact that he's not really gone but just for awhile, then maybe it wouldn't be as hard, maybe I would be able to pull through. But goodness that is hard to do. It's so hard to put this reality into perspective and truly understand what forever means, how short this life is in comparison. Because this is all we know, and it's easy to get so caught up in it and see it as the only.

Then I started thinking about how the only way to hurt this badly, is to have something to lose. If I never get married or have kids, I'll never know the hurt of losing him or my children. There are a lot of different kinds of hurt in the world, the hurt of never knowing love, and the hurt of knowing love and losing it. Which is worse? Maybe there is no worse. But either way, how paradoxical and strange it is. I don't like it, ha.

It's hard to reconcile these types of contradicting thoughts in my head.

new total: almost $900.

i don't really know what i'm going to do. this is almost half of next semester's tuition. if i donate plasma for 14 weeks i can pay for it. getting stuck twice a week for over 3 months doesn't sound that fun.

what if my car doesn't even last that much longer? then this will all be for nothing won't it. no, i shouldn't think that way. my car will last forever. it freaking has to.

i hate that it started at 644 then rose 200 bucks. i hate it. i hate them. i hate everything.

i'm also trying to find pre-requisites for PA schools and according to that i'm not going to even get to apply anywhere, let alone get in. why does every single effing school have to have such effing different requirements. tell me why. does it really matter. really. and why did it take me 6 effing hours to get it all looked up in the first place.

crappy mood? how'd you guess.

Welp, got my car towed to the shop. Total cost so far: $45. He says I need to get shocks replaced, some hose thing, and a new tire. And amber glass for my turn signal lights. Ha. I bet it'll be at least $500. And I don't even know how much my ticket is yet either. Barf. Barfimus maximus.

It's made me think a lot about why bad things happen to good people. (Can I lump myself into the good person category? Any objections?) And how we're supposed to be thankful for trials. And why doesn't God protect us from the bad things. What am I supposed to learn from this? Well I know how to file a claim with car insurance now. I know how to get a tow truck. Yay. I could've done without that knowlege.

And how ironic that it is in the season of Thanksgiving that I am feeling most ungrateful. Ironic or perhaps that is what God is trying to teach me. That I should be thankful in the midst of adversity. In the midst of the crappiest of crapola times.

Well, I guess I'll try! I'm realizing a little that it doesn't do any good to feel crappy so you might as well move on. But for some reason I feel like I'm cheating myself of the experience if I get over it super fast. Because it IS crappy and it's OK to feel crappy for a little bit. I just can't dwell on it because there's nothing I can do about it. So here I go! I'll try to make the best of it!

The other funny thing I've realized is that crappy things like this don't happen if you don't have things. If you don't have a laptop, it can't break. If you don't have a car, you can't get in an accident, get a ticket, have it break. If you don't have an iPod, it can't get stolen or lost or broken. Man, if I just didn't have things, life would be great! You pay for your conveniences don't you.

In other news, I met Jason's MTC companion today! He came in to the lab. I'm confused though, he said Jason would be coming in later, that something's wrong with him. But the escort was like "No, he's fine, saw him smiling this morning!" Which cracks me up because we all know Jason doesn't smile. Haha no, joking, sorta. But anyways... so is he coming or not?! We'll see. I hope if he does come that he's not SUPER sick and that I get to see him!! Although I think I might cry if I see him... sigh.

In other other news, I finally got batteries for my camera that Ted and Dantzel are lending to me and hallelujah! I gotta get back into taking pictures! Be prepared to see some a-coming up. :)

and...

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!

Oh I'm just a girl, trying to find a place in this world

Well, got into my first car accident this morning.

I was in my car, going to work, I got ready to turn my wheel like crazy in my non-power-steering-car, and pulled out, saw a car coming, screamed, it hit me.

I was shaking a bit when I got out of the car. I had no idea what to do. The guy was nice enough. He pulled over to the side, I didn't try. my front driver's side up by the hood was bashed in and the wheel was at this crazy angle. He called some number and they sent over an officer. I called my parents. Tried to find a tow rope. We waited.

I don't know why I didn't see him. I know I didn't look that hard. But still. He must've been cruising to cause such damage to my car. I was out pretty far when he hit me. Oh, his bumper was almost completely off. Sigh.

So I spent over half an hour talking to my insurance. I only have liability so they're paying for all of his car but none of mine. My payments are going to increase huh. Ugh. My dad wants me to take my car to this place in Orem but Austin doesn't think it can make it that far. But towing it would be so expensive! I don't know what to do...

I don't know how to function without a car! How will I get to work? To anywhere? What if it costs a billion dollars to fix it? My dad won't pay more than $1000. Otherwise we should just find another junk car to last me for the next little while. How much more will my insurance go up by? Oi...

I have a biochem test tomorrow but I don't want to study, I can't focus, I just keep thinking about this. And yesterday I found out I might've taken unnecessary prerequisites for PA school while not taking the ones I do need. I feel stupid. I may or may not be hating life right now. You can decide which.

"Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day"

It wasn't really a perfect day and it was a rainy beginning. But I'm going to try to let Taylor Swift console me anyway.

nobody said it was easy, nobody said it would be so hard

I wish I could go back to the start.

Maybe things don't have to be this complicated. Maybe life doesn't have to be this complicated. Maybe God didn't intend for things to be this complicated!!!

I think I need to get back to the basics. Which is what? Love. Love God, love yourself, love others. That's all you really need. And it'll all be okay.

I just feel so overwhelmed. Like there are a million things to think about, which there are. And a million things to worry about, which there are. So many things going on! How do you simplify? It's not a matter of cutting things out--everything is important. So it's a matter of... what? Choosing not to stress out? Choosing not to let it worry you? I don't understand. Life is so hard to figure out. I guess I shouldn't expect to have it figured out by 23, but at the same time, I feel deficient, like I do need to have it figured out right now. Man, just wait till I add more things to complicate it. Ha. Like kids! Holy.

But God wants us to be happy right? And if I'm not happy right now, He's not happy. I've gotta happify myself. How? Maybe I just need to chug through until this next week's break, then rejuvenate myself. Relax, have time to myself, think things through. But getting through this week is gonna be a beast.

There are so many things that worry me about the future...

so how can I ever try to be better

Taylor Swift is stuck in my head. When I listen to her I just want to dance around and sing real loud to it. For hours. I could seriously do it for hours! I wish I had hours to do things like that. Graduation, graduation, graduation. I can't wait.

Last night was way super fun! My roommate Jamie had won free tickets to some comedy show at the Scera in Orem but couldn't go so she gave them to me and Austin! So we went to eat at Five Guys (where we had enlightening and interesting conversation) then to the show. There were tons of old people which was rather hilarious to me, but it was a sold out show so we figured it must be good. The first two comedians were alright, the first reminding me a lot of Ellen DeGeneres but not as funny. Then the highlight of the evening: Keith Stubbs.

HE WAS SO FUNNY! We were both cracking up the entire time--he didn't seem to have one bad joke. He was hilarious! Kept referring to himself as Pound Cake, as his gangsta name, he was so so so funny! I wish he was performing for a younger audience, but this one was still pretty responsive. He was seriously so funny. He must be big name because he's performed at Comedy Central and just got back from the CMAs (how did he ever get tickets to that?!) and he has a show on 101.5 here in Utah. He was seriously so freaking funny and I'm so glad we got to go! I've never been to a real comedian before so it was pretty great. :)

Then we got 3 different tubs of ice cream from Smith's and watched one of my favorite moves Two for the Road. It's a sad sort of love story, about falling in love, getting married, and how hard it can be afterwards. Albert Finney and Audrey Hepburn star and they are great. It goes through different scenes from the different parts in their lives and mix them all together. It can be kind of depressing but a high quality film and very well made so I encourage you all to see it! I just got it from the Provo City Library so you can check it out for free!

Finally, we decided on a spur of the moment to go hot tubbing! It was freezing outside but the water was absolutely perfect, too hot almost. Which was nice for when we got out and had to get back to the car. The Villa has a really nice hot tub now, and some people from my old ward a few years ago were there which was kinda funny. It was way fun and a perfect ending to a really good day!

I think I'm going to make like a dating journal. I can't remember when and what we've done so far but I want to, so I can always remember it. Maybe I'll do that over Thanksgiving, when I'll have so much free time all to MYSELF! Happy day.

My internship fair went pretty well, we had about 70 people come to hear Reggie Shaw speak which was really good. He was an amazing speaker, I wish you could all have heard him! I think he impacted everyone a ton. Hopefully this campaign has at least helped a few people decide not to text and drive anymore--if so, I'll count that as success for me!

Jason has now been in the MTC for over a week! He emailed my parents who forwarded it to me. He's doing well and learning and feeling a ton but is also having a super hard time. He says it's definitely the hardest thing he's ever done and just... really hard. I'm worried about him but all I can do is pray for him and send him letters of love and support. If you'd like to write him let me know and I'll give you his address! He could really use it. I'm afraid he's super homesick :(

Welp, nothing else to report except school is sucking the life out of me! :) Hope everyone has a good week!

Stay Alive--Don't Text and Drive!

For my internship for my major (public health) I'm working with the Utah County Health Department on a campaign against texting while driving and raising awareness of Utah's new law.

We're throwing a fair this TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 10 from 9am to 5pm in the Garden Court of the Wilkinson's Center. There will be booths talking about the new law and its consequences (really heavy fines and even possible jail time), research on why it's so dangerous (as bad or worse as drunk driving), personal stories (it can happen to anybody, including you), and statistics on BYU students' texting while driving behaviors.

At 1pm, Reggie Shaw will be speaking. He killed two people because he was texting his girlfriend while driving. He was pulled from his mission in Canada so he could testify at his trial. His story sparked the legislation that is now the new law banning texting while driving. As part of his community service hours he speaks to schools and assemblies urging them not to be as he once was, with the superman mentality that he had full control even when texting and driving. Come hear his powerful story that will hopefully help you change your behaviors for the better as well.

Let me know if you have any questions! Tell all your family and friends to stop by! Hope to see you there!

suppose I kept on singing love songs just to break my own fall

REGINA SPEKTOR WAS AMAZING.

It was quite an arduous journey to get there (had to run an errand, TRAFFIC, forgot the tickets at home (luckily weren't TOO far from home), MORE TRAFFIC, TRAFFIC TRAFFIC TRAFFIC..) but we finally got there and just in time!!!! Only had to wait like five minutes before she came on stage!! She was so happy and sweet and down to earth (along with a few expletives) and she is WOW amazing live!!! Her voice is so amazing, she is INCREDIBLY talented!!! My goodness, I was way super impressed. I loved her before but now I'm just in awe of her voice and musical abilities. One song she was keeping the beat with a drum while playing piano with the other hand and singing along and it was perfect! How does she do it?! And she sang this AMAZING a capella song about eyes (brown eyes are the only ones you can trust!!) and a country song she wrote ("you're a whore you're a whore") and she played all these amazing songs and her backup band, the violinist and cellist were Asian boys who looked our age or younger (WHAT AN AMAZING JOB THE LUCKY DUCKS) and it was just freaking sweet.

Luckily Austin is tall and was kind enough to hold me while I stood on his feet so I could see. I could only see when on my tiptoes but that was enough for me. SHE IS SO STINKIN' GOOD LIVE!!!!! I CAN'T GET OVER IT! If you ever get a chance, go see her, it's so totally worth it! Be in awe of her talents like me!!

Thank you Austin for one of the best birthday presents ever :):):)