mmwhat you say

I'm listening to some really giggly girls right now... holy. Was I ever like that?

The real purpose of this post is to write about love.

It's such a confusing thing. There are so many different aspects. It seems so easy for some people but so hard for others. I think I'll just bullet my separate thoughts about it and see if anyone can make any sense of it.

Love unconditionally. We're supposed to, but it seems impossible, at least when you're talking about a romantic love. I used to think, no, you really need to. But how can you love someone who's being a jerk? What if someone doesn't treat you the way they should? What if they change? Then do you have to go on loving them for it to be real? Or can love end and change? Does that mean it wasn't real love in the first place?

How do you love someone without the condition that they love you back? How can you possibly put your heart out there and love a person for them, but without any conditions that they treat you well or are good to you or love you back? It doesn't make sense to me. Or maybe it's so difficult I can't wrap my brain around it.

Love is such a big deal. It's this huge thing. I wonder if very many people even really truly feel it at all. But I want to rush into it, I want to feel loved and love someone so much that I'm just so happy about it. I want to feel that lovin' feelin'!!! But if it's this really huge deal, it's obviously a lot of work as well. And it's something that doesn't come quickly. It's something that takes a whole lotta time. Because you have to get to know someone and realize that you really do truly love them, want to give everything to them, for them. It takes time for that. But I don't want time, I don't want to wait, I want it now!

And so I'll think I feel it. But I'm almost certain it's not for real. It's just me wanting it so badly that tricks myself into feeling it. Right? Maybe? But I don't want to be fake. I want to be patient and have the real thing. Rushing into things always screws everything up. I'm trying to be patient.

That brings up another point though. Is love a decision? Do people fall in love or do people choose to love? To be in love? I feel like it is a decision. You actively decide that you love them and you're going to do something about it. So you show it. Can you rush love? Can you speed it up? Can you simply decide you will and do it? And that's that? Or can you really.. fall in love? But then this just goes full circle and makes me wonder about loving with reciprocation. It sounds romantic, the idea, of loving without needing anything in return, but how many people really realize what that means? And how many people can actually do it?

I don't know. It all confuses me. I want some love guru to give me wise counsel or something. Where's a fortune cookie..

i want nobody nobody but you (clap clap pause clap)

Today after a semi-long day, I got home and went grocery shopping and made rice and picked up my study buddy and her brother and we went with my roommates to my cousin's Korean Thanksgiving party.

It was so fun! We played hilarious Korean games, hitting people as punishment of course, ate Korean food, talked... good times.

Afterwards I made pumpkin chocolate chip cookies!! Let me know if you'd like some. :)

We also danced around, listened to good music, and got the greatest idea to have a SOCK HOP!!! Everyone has mocktail parties-- what about a good ole sock hop??? Great oldies songs, fun dresses... the inspiration: "Twist and Shout" by The Beatles. Take a listen, you'll want to dance guaranteed.

Tomorrow's going to be amazing too. Lots of plans! I am happy.

I'm on a cooking streak. I just want to cook and bake all the time. Too bad I have no time. Graduation!!!!!!!!!!

Dinner group makes me cook which is nice. I'm making stuffed red bell peppers. Be excited. And I want to make these pumpkin roll things.

such a medical day!

Every day is a medical day now I guess, but yesterday was especially medical. I finally got rejuvenated and remotivated to work hard and do well for PA school. I remembered why I'm doing what I'm doing. I remembered why I love it so much.

I had work, at the health center, same as usual. But then I had volunteering at the clinic, and that was sweet. I mean it was busy which means we ran late, but oh well. I got to translate for a doctor because there were no female translators present, and he had to look at this lady's rear. She was 8 months pregnant and had hemorrhoids! He said that that's fairly common for pregnant ladies. Interesting! I love hearing about diagnoses and such. It rekindled the fire within. And then Jarom was raving about a cyst that was hidden behind a wart that a different doctor removed. And I realized how nerdy we all were, all the pre-med kids crowding around a doctor to see a really huge cyst. Haha. It was touching.

And then I went to an O Chem study group with a few girls and somehow through the conversation they found out that I work at the health center drawing blood and also volunteer doing it. They asked how many credits I was taking, if I had to pay for schooling all by myself, and I said yes and they were just so amazed! They thought I was so cool for being so busy and taking care of myself and doing all these things to get ready for PA school. (One is pre-nursing, one is pre-PA) And I remembered what it was like, being so young, and looking at the older seniors and being like wowwww I don't even know how I'm going to get there like them. And now I am that senior. I'm the one to look up to! I'm the one doing the PA shadowing, doing the internships, getting the clinical hours, all that stuff. And it made me feel good. I feel like I'm finally accomplishing something with my life.

Life is just so crazy. There is so much going on ALL THE TIME. And it never gets any easier it just changes. Different problems, different stresses. It's so overwhelming. But days like yesterday remind me of why I'm doing it all and that it doesn't have to be just check list things, but things I really enjoy. And I can enjoy them while I'm doing them! So let's do that.

book club notes-- the pleasure of my company by Steve Martin

I found these while cleaning up my gmail today. They're from my family's book club, notes I took while we were reading Ted's choice of the above titled book.

When he says that the event under the pecan tree would either resurrect him or kill him, that's so true of so many things in our lives. It's all about how we look at things, our attitude. Things can either break us down or buoy us up, motivate us to do things. Usually tragic events. hard events. But they're either super awesome or super crazy. So interesting! It's all about our attitudes and what we take away from things. It shows how much control we have over the events in our lives. How much control we have over our lives in general.

It takes the hard things to make us better. If they're not hard, they won't make us better.

You can't categorize relationships. He indulges himself with a magic square at the end, an old habit, but he says that it overflows with people and the confusion pleased him. And relationships are just... unpredictable. People are crazy and do things you don't understand, can't understand... hm. Relationships aren't categorizable.

it's been an interesting and enlightening weekend

I've figured out a lot of things about myself that I need to change. One huge thing is to stop caring what other people think about me. I've got such a golden retriever personality--I want to be liked by everyone. I stress about it and get nervous about it when there are really people I want to impress. But I need to realize that it doesn't matter what they think about it. I'll do what I do because I am that way, and they can either think I'm being fake about it, or not. They can accept me, or not. But regardless of what they do, I can still be happy about myself and can still be myself around them, around everyone. I can only control how I feel and how I act. I can't control how anybody else feels about me. So I might as well not worry about it. I shouldn't. I can't. Not if I want to stay sane. And happy.

It's interesting how different people's families are. How people raise their children way differently than everybody else. So so so differently. And you don't necessarily see it from that single person, but when you see their family you're like oh, wow, that's way different from my family. And not necessarily in a bad way. But wow can it be different.

I talked with my coworker today about dealing with other people's families and she enlightened me. It was a very therapeutic session. I'm glad people go through the same things as I do. And they have triumphed! So I can too. It's not me. It's not my fault. I can only do the best I can, and the rest is up to them.

I'm starting to feel it...

As far as the weekend went, Becky and I finally got to do a photoshoot!! She showed me one of the pictures and holy cow am I in love with it. (Check my facebook) She's amazing!!! Check out her blog (Boo Boo Photos on the right as a link) to see her work. She's so good!!! I'm so excited to see the rest of them!

I need a couple hours for some self-reflection time I think... but I never have any time.

If there are a million empty seats around me, why do you choose to sit right next to me? I like having my personal bubble. Don't pop it!!