maybe i will be fat and happy

I really really like food. No, really. In the sense that I associate it with happiness, with friends, fun, independence, all these random things. Whenever I picture myself doing something by myself it always involves food. Let me explain.

I love getting up early and getting some breakfast on my own, somewhere. Like the bakery down the street or the breakfast foods at the Cougareat. I love it! I don't know why. I loved it in Bolivia too, getting street food all the time. I think it's because it makes me feel like I'm a city girl, living in some big city where nobody makes food but they always just get it somewhere. On the go. I don't know why, but it just seems glamorous for me. You all know that I can't get up in the morning early, at least I avoid it as much as possible. But if there's food involved, I will get up. No doubt about it. What is it about food??

And concerning going out with friends, hanging out. Food is always involved, no ve? And I love trying new restaurants, new types of food. It's so.. fun!

It just makes me happy. It tastes delicious. It's an enjoyable experience. So I hate hate hate that I feel like I have to be super super thin to be attractive or happy or desirable or whatever. Because even if I ate more, I'd still be healthy. I don't think I'd be terribly overweight or at more risk for heart disease or anything. But I wouldn't be stick thin (not that I am right now anyway) or have a flat stomach or whatever or whatever. And that irritates me to no end. I go through phases of caring, then not caring and eating whatever I want, then feeling super fat and unattractive and caring again, etc. It goes on and on. I don't want to care anymore!! I want to eat what I want, healthily, but maybe more than the average supermodel or BYU female college student. I want to experience food and all the enjoyment that comes out of it! I love food! Why should I suppress that love??

Because I'm going to get fat and feel ugly that's why. Blah.