so how can I ever try to be better

Taylor Swift is stuck in my head. When I listen to her I just want to dance around and sing real loud to it. For hours. I could seriously do it for hours! I wish I had hours to do things like that. Graduation, graduation, graduation. I can't wait.

Last night was way super fun! My roommate Jamie had won free tickets to some comedy show at the Scera in Orem but couldn't go so she gave them to me and Austin! So we went to eat at Five Guys (where we had enlightening and interesting conversation) then to the show. There were tons of old people which was rather hilarious to me, but it was a sold out show so we figured it must be good. The first two comedians were alright, the first reminding me a lot of Ellen DeGeneres but not as funny. Then the highlight of the evening: Keith Stubbs.

HE WAS SO FUNNY! We were both cracking up the entire time--he didn't seem to have one bad joke. He was hilarious! Kept referring to himself as Pound Cake, as his gangsta name, he was so so so funny! I wish he was performing for a younger audience, but this one was still pretty responsive. He was seriously so funny. He must be big name because he's performed at Comedy Central and just got back from the CMAs (how did he ever get tickets to that?!) and he has a show on 101.5 here in Utah. He was seriously so freaking funny and I'm so glad we got to go! I've never been to a real comedian before so it was pretty great. :)

Then we got 3 different tubs of ice cream from Smith's and watched one of my favorite moves Two for the Road. It's a sad sort of love story, about falling in love, getting married, and how hard it can be afterwards. Albert Finney and Audrey Hepburn star and they are great. It goes through different scenes from the different parts in their lives and mix them all together. It can be kind of depressing but a high quality film and very well made so I encourage you all to see it! I just got it from the Provo City Library so you can check it out for free!

Finally, we decided on a spur of the moment to go hot tubbing! It was freezing outside but the water was absolutely perfect, too hot almost. Which was nice for when we got out and had to get back to the car. The Villa has a really nice hot tub now, and some people from my old ward a few years ago were there which was kinda funny. It was way fun and a perfect ending to a really good day!

I think I'm going to make like a dating journal. I can't remember when and what we've done so far but I want to, so I can always remember it. Maybe I'll do that over Thanksgiving, when I'll have so much free time all to MYSELF! Happy day.

My internship fair went pretty well, we had about 70 people come to hear Reggie Shaw speak which was really good. He was an amazing speaker, I wish you could all have heard him! I think he impacted everyone a ton. Hopefully this campaign has at least helped a few people decide not to text and drive anymore--if so, I'll count that as success for me!

Jason has now been in the MTC for over a week! He emailed my parents who forwarded it to me. He's doing well and learning and feeling a ton but is also having a super hard time. He says it's definitely the hardest thing he's ever done and just... really hard. I'm worried about him but all I can do is pray for him and send him letters of love and support. If you'd like to write him let me know and I'll give you his address! He could really use it. I'm afraid he's super homesick :(

Welp, nothing else to report except school is sucking the life out of me! :) Hope everyone has a good week!

Stay Alive--Don't Text and Drive!

For my internship for my major (public health) I'm working with the Utah County Health Department on a campaign against texting while driving and raising awareness of Utah's new law.

We're throwing a fair this TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 10 from 9am to 5pm in the Garden Court of the Wilkinson's Center. There will be booths talking about the new law and its consequences (really heavy fines and even possible jail time), research on why it's so dangerous (as bad or worse as drunk driving), personal stories (it can happen to anybody, including you), and statistics on BYU students' texting while driving behaviors.

At 1pm, Reggie Shaw will be speaking. He killed two people because he was texting his girlfriend while driving. He was pulled from his mission in Canada so he could testify at his trial. His story sparked the legislation that is now the new law banning texting while driving. As part of his community service hours he speaks to schools and assemblies urging them not to be as he once was, with the superman mentality that he had full control even when texting and driving. Come hear his powerful story that will hopefully help you change your behaviors for the better as well.

Let me know if you have any questions! Tell all your family and friends to stop by! Hope to see you there!

suppose I kept on singing love songs just to break my own fall

REGINA SPEKTOR WAS AMAZING.

It was quite an arduous journey to get there (had to run an errand, TRAFFIC, forgot the tickets at home (luckily weren't TOO far from home), MORE TRAFFIC, TRAFFIC TRAFFIC TRAFFIC..) but we finally got there and just in time!!!! Only had to wait like five minutes before she came on stage!! She was so happy and sweet and down to earth (along with a few expletives) and she is WOW amazing live!!! Her voice is so amazing, she is INCREDIBLY talented!!! My goodness, I was way super impressed. I loved her before but now I'm just in awe of her voice and musical abilities. One song she was keeping the beat with a drum while playing piano with the other hand and singing along and it was perfect! How does she do it?! And she sang this AMAZING a capella song about eyes (brown eyes are the only ones you can trust!!) and a country song she wrote ("you're a whore you're a whore") and she played all these amazing songs and her backup band, the violinist and cellist were Asian boys who looked our age or younger (WHAT AN AMAZING JOB THE LUCKY DUCKS) and it was just freaking sweet.

Luckily Austin is tall and was kind enough to hold me while I stood on his feet so I could see. I could only see when on my tiptoes but that was enough for me. SHE IS SO STINKIN' GOOD LIVE!!!!! I CAN'T GET OVER IT! If you ever get a chance, go see her, it's so totally worth it! Be in awe of her talents like me!!

Thank you Austin for one of the best birthday presents ever :):):)

life is good, I'm feeling you

Welp, I'm trying. It's hard not to be scared. Maybe I'm being overly cautious. But love! It's a big deal. It's okay to go slow, I think? Although Becky sent me this quote today that made me think about what I decided:

"the irony of commitment is that it's deeply liberating -- in work, in play, in love. the act frees you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around like rational hesitation. to commit is to remove your head as the barrier to your life."

~anne morris

Ha. Who knows what to think or feel anymore.

In other news, I'm pretty sure I did not do so hot on my chem test today. But on a happy note, I got a 92 on my O Chem test which is bomb diggity! On another sad note, I have ridiculous amounts of work to do this weekend if I want to get to spend time with Jason next Mon and Tues. He's coming!! He's leaving!! He reports on Wednesday to the MTC! ONE WEEK... man. I can't believe it...

This is the earliest I'm going to bed on a school night in forever. I hope it actually does me some good. Not falling asleep in class would definitely be a plus.

I love visiting teaching. I love getting visit taught. Even brief messages help and just them coming makes me feel loved and cared for. I have a support system. I think one of my favorite parts is when they pray for me. I just feel the power of their prayers so much, because it's one of the few times someone specifically prays for me. Today Sam prayed specifically that I would be able to focus and balance all the things in my life, spiritual things, social life, and other responsibilities. She also prayed that I'd be able to feel Heavenly Father's love for me. (I love it when people say that) It was so good. I really think these prayers work and they are so comforting.

Hooray for visiting and home teaching!

Random: I want a blessing.

Back to work.

Love, Part II

I got so many interesting and good responses and it's on my mind again so I figured, why not write about it?

This time I'm wondering how you can love without fear. It's always in songs and stories--

"I read with every broken heart we should become more adventurous," for example.

People apparently are supposed to love without fear of getting hurt, fear of scaring the other person, coming on too strong, etc. But these are valid things and I think you should take into account what the other person is ready for.

But at the same time, I want to be like these people in the songs and the stories! I want my heart to have the capacity to love that much! To love without holding anything back. To stop being afraid, to just love and love and love without being afraid of what could happen in the future or fear of getting your heart broken. I want to be like that!!! I want to be like Buddy the Elf: "I'm in love, I'm in love and I don't care who knows it!"

But it's so hard.. not to mention you have to watch what you do and say so you don't scare the other person. And in order to keep a clear and logical head maybe you have to put away such feelings. Maybe? Maybe not?

And I hate all the games that people play regarding love and affection. So many times it really does feel like some sort of chase. That if you give too much, they won't like you as much, because there's nothing to fight for or chase, it's just all being given to them, and that either turns them off or freaks them out. So then you back off a bit and then wham they're back in. And it's just this awful see-saw game of stupid. This happens when you're trying to date someone for the first time too, you play this dumb game of leaving them wanting. Well why do you have to do that in the first place?? Why can't you just put everything out there. Bleah. Ha. I feel so bitter right now.

Anyways. I had more thoughts but I can't remember them anymore. So we'll leave this at that.

what a wonderful weekend

after playing football in the rain

Jason (my little brother) is leaving in a few weeks to serve in the Korea Seoul West mission! His farewell talk was yesterday, so I spent this whole weekend back home with my family. I flew in Sat morning, after finishing an o chem test the night before and staying up to pack and such. Jason and I tossed the football around outside for awhile (like street children, haha) and I was actually ok!!! Which was exciting. But then it started pouring and the football got too slippery to throw so we headed in. Then we watched college football while taking turns picking songs to listen to on YouTube--he always educates me on what's popular with the kids these days every time I come home. Haha. He's lamenting that I'll be more ahead of him when he comes back in two years, heh. Anyways, he educated me a bit about football as well. Then we went to our friend Sojin's wedding reception! She and Brian were married earlier that morning. She looked so happy--I wish her the best! :) Then we went down to Federal Way to meet up with our grandparents and cousin and eat Chinese for dinner. Had TONS of leftovers that we're STILL working off.. Then spent some time with them at their home then headed home to ours.

On Sunday Jason gave an excellent talk--his topic was "The field is white already to harvest." It was really good--he talked about how we shouldn't be afraid and how we should live our lives so that the gospel is changing us and is a part of us so we aren't hypocrites preaching to others how they should live. He said the gospel and spiritual change is the only lasting and real change that can happen to people. Political change doesn't really change the everyday person. Secular change doesn't really do that. But change from the gospel really does change the lives of people and it's the most important. We need to get to work so we can help people change their lives for the better! But it's not because we are amazing and they need to be too. It's because we are all sinners and that the whole have no need for a physician but the sick do--we're all in this together, it's not a self-righteous type of change we want for others. It's because we love them and want them to have what we have that is so incredible and wonderful.

He's so different--his heart really has changed. I'm so proud of him and so happy for him. I know he's made one of the most important decisions of his life and things are just so good now! He's going to be an incredible missionary, especially because he's had such a powerful conversion himself. This was a conscious decision, to go on a mission, not just something he had to do. I know he's going to do great work. I'm so grateful for everything that contributed to this, to this change in him that's made him and our family so incredibly happy. We're so blessed!!

Afterwards a bunch of family and friends came over for lunch and we all just hung out forever. It was so good. I love my family, they're so hilarious!! And now I'm old enough to talk with the adults too, that's always fun. :)

It's just been an amazing weekend! I didn't realize how badly I needed it. I've been way stressed with school and work among other things, this being my busiest semester yet, and to have nothing to worry about all weekend, to get away, to enjoy the rain and beautiful fall weather, being at home with my family, hanging out, relaxing--it really has been incredible and I'm now rejuvenated and ready to tackle all the work I have awaiting me in Provo. I'm so grateful for this break.. :) But I'm also excited to get back to life and the wonderful things waiting for me back in Utah. :)