"your eyes"

I can't imagine myself getting married.

I can't imagine being so close to someone as to sharing a life with them. Someone knowing all my secrets, all the weird things I do, all my habits, all my likes and dislikes, pet peeves, things that make me super excited and happy, all of that. Knowing me that well. I don't know if anyone really knows me that well. I can't imagine someone knowing me that well. I don't know if I could let someone in to know me that well. Rather, if someone could really break me down to get to know me that well. To really know me.

Instead, I imagine the beginning of chick flicks. Some independent woman in her early 30s with a chic apartment, chilling by herself. Except that I wouldn't be that sad about it. I think. Ok obviously I would be sad about it. Having a family, being madly and completely in love, all that is what I really really do want. But at the same time, I would still love living on my own, decorating my apartment the way I want it and nobody else, spending my time reading, writing, listening to music, dancing and singing really loud by myself, playing music, baking, cooking, etc. That just sounds SO good. It sounds so fun! Maybe I'm just being naive and silly because I'd probably get tired of it soon and feel super lonely. But at this point in time, it sounds wonderful and I would love to do it.

Especially the cooking part. Learning how to cook and bake well. Looking up recipes, trying recipes, figuring it out on my own without anyone else's criticism. Just doing it solo. Flying solo. I want to fly solo.

I don't know. Having an empty apartment and complex this past break has given me a little taste of it and I liked it a lot. I only wish I had more time to do everything I wanted. But it's back to school, back to work, back to responsibility and contributing to society and my future.

Forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair. ~Kahlil Gibran

A few Sundays ago my friend Kyle and I went up to Sundance to take some pictures of nature. It was so pretty outside!! I am loving this extended fall weather. Anyway, I'd never been up there before so it was really cool, the winding canyon roads up while listening to Portuguese covers of David Bowie... it was a cool experience. It was really pretty up there (and cold) so here are a few of the fruits of my labors:

I don't know how to rotate the pictures... sorry.








This picture should be at the top. But this is my first time posting pictures and... yeah. Anyhow. I found five bucks on the trail! How sweet is that?? Pretty dang sweet I would say..

Empowering Women

Due to having so many fun things scheduled this weekend, I was unable to do any homework, including things due today. So I hitched a ride with Kyle to campus early this morning (7:40ish am!! You know that's early for me) even though he didn't have class (sorry about that still!) to work on some assignments.

I was working on an ePress release, a news release for my health methods of promotion class. My group is doing rape prevention so my article is on the high rates of rape in Utah. I know! It's astounding! Anyway, we have a website up with our fact sheet, backgrounder, and press releases on the subject. I think it's worth checking out-- good, new information that may be useful or helpful to you now or in the future.

Now time to continue writing a report on microcredit for the LDS Employment Resource Services in Paraguay. I've done the background research but now I'm applying it specifically to their situation. I should post that when I'm done too, also interesting and relevant information.

I think I'm going to get a breakfast bagel or some other type of delicious breakfast food after this. To reward myself for actually getting up and doing some work this morning.

I'M SO EXCITED FOR THANKSGIVING BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

someone else's heart pumping someone else's blood

This song has been stuck in my head non-stop for the past few days. I actually looked up the lyrics today and realized how amazing and inspiring they are! A good mantra for life. So I'm going to post the second verse for your viewing pleasure-- it's the one that hit me so hard.

"On the Radio" -Regina Spektor
This is how it works
You're young until you're not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath

No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood

And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again

but the pardons never come from upstairs

BYU devotional today was Lynn Truss, author of "Eats, Shoots & Leaves." She is a British writer, has also written a book titled "Talk to the Hand" about manners/rude people/that general topic, and is hilarious. She was really witty and just... so funny! I'm inspired to read these books and I hope you do too. She basically talked about "The End of Literacy" and how punctuation is there to make things clearer yet people think it's so complicated they use it either incorrectly or not at all, causing much more confusion than necessary. I guess I liked her so much because I totally get where she's coming from. If I read anything I negate them as not credible if I find spelling, grammar, or punctuation errors. I just don't understand how people have gone through elementary school without learning the very VERY simple rules of apostrophes, commas, and basic spelling. I don't understand it. She went through several examples of how using them incorrectly completely changes the meaning of the sentence to things rather hilarious actually. Anyway, she's a great speaker. I'm excited to read those books. Maybe over break!

In other news, cheese fries are still delicious and I need to start eating healthier. I also need to start working on my research paper on heart disease, as the library closes in an hour and a half and I have no computer operating system at home.

glo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ria

I was wandering through the BYU Campus Craft and Floral store and that song was playing. I used to be one of those people that hated Christmas music early, before Thanksgiving, or even right after. But now.. I embrace it. I love it! I love Christmas! I love everything about it! I even love the Hallmark scheme of making billions off of holidays! I love that they make billions! Because it means they create these amazing cards of awesomeness that are so adorable or touching and just make people happy.

That includes all the holiday decorations. The Santa plates, the snowman mugs, the random decorations that you can fill your house with. I'm so excited to have my own home and have money to splurge on these things. I'm going to have the most decorated house ever!!! But not in a gaudy way, a classy way, that just looks... awesome. Yes.

Flowers too! Flowers are so awesome too. That you can make these beautiful arrangements that have just... these color schemes that match so perfectly and they're just so... beautiful!

I seriously could be Martha Stewart. I wish I was better at that kind of stuff though.

I really want to go to Color-Me-Mine and make a holiday plate. Bowl. Mug thing. I saw some at the BYU Bookstore... they're so freaking cool!!!! I swear, I could window shop this kinda stuff forever.. I'm also excited to go to Riverwoods and go Christmas shopping!!!!!!!! And get hot chocolate and be bundled up and watch the shoppers and the families and the pretty decorations and lights in the trees, etc etc etc...

I also really want to spend a Sunday or Saturday afternoon just sitting in my living room watching a movie while making Christmas cards and painting and baking cookies and being happy. Enjoying my favorite things to do. Doesn't that sound so relaxing and wonderful???

That's all this post is about. I'm really excited about Christmas. And any other holiday, for that matter.

and it breaks my heart

...or my stomach.

You know that feeling of just.. it just hits you. In your stomach. It's just this awful whomp to the pit of your stomach. And it just hurts. It's one of the most unique feelings ever, I think. I hate it when it happens. I just got it. I don't like it. It hurts.

Things in life like this are just so weird. You think you're okay, then you realize how not you are. You go through phases of happiness, everything's going to be fine, then you wonder how, how will everything be fine, how can everything be fine when I feel like this? Will this feeling ever go away? Will I ever get over it?

Time, it'll all take time. I wonder what else God has in store for me. I hope it's good.

Eternal perspective, right?

Right..

something to sleep to

"Dark Halls" -Au Revoir Simone
"Something to Sleep to" -Michelle Branch
"There She Goes" -Sixpence None the Richer
"Sleeping to Dream" -Jason Mraz
"Push" -Matchbox Twenty (but I usually don't like them)
"Wrong Impression" -Natalie Imbruglia
"Suddenly I See" -KT Tunstall
"Fidelity" -Regina Spektor

pandora is doing a good job today!!

oh man, it's going into spanish mode...

"Te Quiero" -Flex

oh? just kidding

"Love Song" -Sara Bareilles
"You (Or Somebody Like You)" -Gordie Sampson
"Not Tonight" -Tegan and Sara
"Paint's Peeling" -Rilo Kiley
"Not Your Year" -The Weepies
"I Found a Reason" -Cat Power
"Young Pilgrims" -The Shins
"Fake Plastic Trees (acoustic)" -Radiohead **as on the Clueless soundtrack... hahaha
"Not Too Late" -Norah Jones
"Breathe Me" -Sia
"Summer in the City" -Regina Spektor

well, my ears hurt from these blasted ear phones. no more pandora for today.

school gets in the way of my learning

I skipped part of one class and all of another to go see this lecture/panel type thing at the Kennedy Center. They were discussing what changes in the presidency will occur, that type of thing. I was pleasantly surprised that they were pretty unbiased concerning partisanship, which was refreshing at this school. I think one of the most irritating things is how narrow-minded and.. just... I can't think of the word. But people just use the most emotionally-triggering words that don't really say anything. Like socialist, communist. Do they really know what they're saying? What they're even talking about? I highly doubt it. But one person says it and they all chime in without actually thinking about what they're saying. It's so irritating! People. People are just irritating. Ok ok, people can be irritating.

They talked a lot about how President Obama has a lot of goodwill already, not just with the American public, but internationally, which will help him be successful. And how he's good at selling his issues and policies to people, which will also help him internationally. But how campaigning is a lot different from actually being in office. And obviously inheriting two wars, an economic crisis, and a whole lot of other problems will be difficult to manage. I wish him the best and hope the 46% will do the same.

In other news, I have never seen so much rain in Provo! It's rather nice. It really does feel like back home, the gray drearyness that I miss so much. I know, I shouldn't miss it at all. But I do, mostly because it triggers memories of walking to class in high school, heck just living there and living in that weather all the time. It's the memories I miss, not the grayness exactly. No ve?

I guess I should take advantage of this downtime to do homework.

there's a hole in our bathroom ceiling

no kyle, I'm not going to change it.

The delicious foods I've consumed today:

• Sausage and egg breakfast bagel: so good!!
  
• Cranberry juice- the only downside is that it wasn't 100% juice. only 25%. pucha.
• Pudding on the Rice: amaretto + raspberry + dark chocolate chips. SO GOOD. I wish I had better descriptions than just "so good." Kyle you can stop now.
• Corn nuts: I only eat the Original flavor. We would get Costco packages of corn nuts when I was little but we only ever ate the Original ones so there would just be this huge buildup of other flavored corn nuts in our pantry. Actually, I think I only ever eat original flavored things. I don't like the other ones.
  

Maintenance came yesterday to fix the hole in our bathroom ceiling. But all they did was make a bigger hole. So now we just have a gaping hole in our ceiling. And lots of fruit flies. So much for the Taj Mahal.