life is good, I'm feeling you

Welp, I'm trying. It's hard not to be scared. Maybe I'm being overly cautious. But love! It's a big deal. It's okay to go slow, I think? Although Becky sent me this quote today that made me think about what I decided:

"the irony of commitment is that it's deeply liberating -- in work, in play, in love. the act frees you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around like rational hesitation. to commit is to remove your head as the barrier to your life."

~anne morris

Ha. Who knows what to think or feel anymore.

In other news, I'm pretty sure I did not do so hot on my chem test today. But on a happy note, I got a 92 on my O Chem test which is bomb diggity! On another sad note, I have ridiculous amounts of work to do this weekend if I want to get to spend time with Jason next Mon and Tues. He's coming!! He's leaving!! He reports on Wednesday to the MTC! ONE WEEK... man. I can't believe it...

This is the earliest I'm going to bed on a school night in forever. I hope it actually does me some good. Not falling asleep in class would definitely be a plus.

I love visiting teaching. I love getting visit taught. Even brief messages help and just them coming makes me feel loved and cared for. I have a support system. I think one of my favorite parts is when they pray for me. I just feel the power of their prayers so much, because it's one of the few times someone specifically prays for me. Today Sam prayed specifically that I would be able to focus and balance all the things in my life, spiritual things, social life, and other responsibilities. She also prayed that I'd be able to feel Heavenly Father's love for me. (I love it when people say that) It was so good. I really think these prayers work and they are so comforting.

Hooray for visiting and home teaching!

Random: I want a blessing.

Back to work.

Love, Part II

I got so many interesting and good responses and it's on my mind again so I figured, why not write about it?

This time I'm wondering how you can love without fear. It's always in songs and stories--

"I read with every broken heart we should become more adventurous," for example.

People apparently are supposed to love without fear of getting hurt, fear of scaring the other person, coming on too strong, etc. But these are valid things and I think you should take into account what the other person is ready for.

But at the same time, I want to be like these people in the songs and the stories! I want my heart to have the capacity to love that much! To love without holding anything back. To stop being afraid, to just love and love and love without being afraid of what could happen in the future or fear of getting your heart broken. I want to be like that!!! I want to be like Buddy the Elf: "I'm in love, I'm in love and I don't care who knows it!"

But it's so hard.. not to mention you have to watch what you do and say so you don't scare the other person. And in order to keep a clear and logical head maybe you have to put away such feelings. Maybe? Maybe not?

And I hate all the games that people play regarding love and affection. So many times it really does feel like some sort of chase. That if you give too much, they won't like you as much, because there's nothing to fight for or chase, it's just all being given to them, and that either turns them off or freaks them out. So then you back off a bit and then wham they're back in. And it's just this awful see-saw game of stupid. This happens when you're trying to date someone for the first time too, you play this dumb game of leaving them wanting. Well why do you have to do that in the first place?? Why can't you just put everything out there. Bleah. Ha. I feel so bitter right now.

Anyways. I had more thoughts but I can't remember them anymore. So we'll leave this at that.

what a wonderful weekend

after playing football in the rain

Jason (my little brother) is leaving in a few weeks to serve in the Korea Seoul West mission! His farewell talk was yesterday, so I spent this whole weekend back home with my family. I flew in Sat morning, after finishing an o chem test the night before and staying up to pack and such. Jason and I tossed the football around outside for awhile (like street children, haha) and I was actually ok!!! Which was exciting. But then it started pouring and the football got too slippery to throw so we headed in. Then we watched college football while taking turns picking songs to listen to on YouTube--he always educates me on what's popular with the kids these days every time I come home. Haha. He's lamenting that I'll be more ahead of him when he comes back in two years, heh. Anyways, he educated me a bit about football as well. Then we went to our friend Sojin's wedding reception! She and Brian were married earlier that morning. She looked so happy--I wish her the best! :) Then we went down to Federal Way to meet up with our grandparents and cousin and eat Chinese for dinner. Had TONS of leftovers that we're STILL working off.. Then spent some time with them at their home then headed home to ours.

On Sunday Jason gave an excellent talk--his topic was "The field is white already to harvest." It was really good--he talked about how we shouldn't be afraid and how we should live our lives so that the gospel is changing us and is a part of us so we aren't hypocrites preaching to others how they should live. He said the gospel and spiritual change is the only lasting and real change that can happen to people. Political change doesn't really change the everyday person. Secular change doesn't really do that. But change from the gospel really does change the lives of people and it's the most important. We need to get to work so we can help people change their lives for the better! But it's not because we are amazing and they need to be too. It's because we are all sinners and that the whole have no need for a physician but the sick do--we're all in this together, it's not a self-righteous type of change we want for others. It's because we love them and want them to have what we have that is so incredible and wonderful.

He's so different--his heart really has changed. I'm so proud of him and so happy for him. I know he's made one of the most important decisions of his life and things are just so good now! He's going to be an incredible missionary, especially because he's had such a powerful conversion himself. This was a conscious decision, to go on a mission, not just something he had to do. I know he's going to do great work. I'm so grateful for everything that contributed to this, to this change in him that's made him and our family so incredibly happy. We're so blessed!!

Afterwards a bunch of family and friends came over for lunch and we all just hung out forever. It was so good. I love my family, they're so hilarious!! And now I'm old enough to talk with the adults too, that's always fun. :)

It's just been an amazing weekend! I didn't realize how badly I needed it. I've been way stressed with school and work among other things, this being my busiest semester yet, and to have nothing to worry about all weekend, to get away, to enjoy the rain and beautiful fall weather, being at home with my family, hanging out, relaxing--it really has been incredible and I'm now rejuvenated and ready to tackle all the work I have awaiting me in Provo. I'm so grateful for this break.. :) But I'm also excited to get back to life and the wonderful things waiting for me back in Utah. :)

mmwhat you say

I'm listening to some really giggly girls right now... holy. Was I ever like that?

The real purpose of this post is to write about love.

It's such a confusing thing. There are so many different aspects. It seems so easy for some people but so hard for others. I think I'll just bullet my separate thoughts about it and see if anyone can make any sense of it.

Love unconditionally. We're supposed to, but it seems impossible, at least when you're talking about a romantic love. I used to think, no, you really need to. But how can you love someone who's being a jerk? What if someone doesn't treat you the way they should? What if they change? Then do you have to go on loving them for it to be real? Or can love end and change? Does that mean it wasn't real love in the first place?

How do you love someone without the condition that they love you back? How can you possibly put your heart out there and love a person for them, but without any conditions that they treat you well or are good to you or love you back? It doesn't make sense to me. Or maybe it's so difficult I can't wrap my brain around it.

Love is such a big deal. It's this huge thing. I wonder if very many people even really truly feel it at all. But I want to rush into it, I want to feel loved and love someone so much that I'm just so happy about it. I want to feel that lovin' feelin'!!! But if it's this really huge deal, it's obviously a lot of work as well. And it's something that doesn't come quickly. It's something that takes a whole lotta time. Because you have to get to know someone and realize that you really do truly love them, want to give everything to them, for them. It takes time for that. But I don't want time, I don't want to wait, I want it now!

And so I'll think I feel it. But I'm almost certain it's not for real. It's just me wanting it so badly that tricks myself into feeling it. Right? Maybe? But I don't want to be fake. I want to be patient and have the real thing. Rushing into things always screws everything up. I'm trying to be patient.

That brings up another point though. Is love a decision? Do people fall in love or do people choose to love? To be in love? I feel like it is a decision. You actively decide that you love them and you're going to do something about it. So you show it. Can you rush love? Can you speed it up? Can you simply decide you will and do it? And that's that? Or can you really.. fall in love? But then this just goes full circle and makes me wonder about loving with reciprocation. It sounds romantic, the idea, of loving without needing anything in return, but how many people really realize what that means? And how many people can actually do it?

I don't know. It all confuses me. I want some love guru to give me wise counsel or something. Where's a fortune cookie..

i want nobody nobody but you (clap clap pause clap)

Today after a semi-long day, I got home and went grocery shopping and made rice and picked up my study buddy and her brother and we went with my roommates to my cousin's Korean Thanksgiving party.

It was so fun! We played hilarious Korean games, hitting people as punishment of course, ate Korean food, talked... good times.

Afterwards I made pumpkin chocolate chip cookies!! Let me know if you'd like some. :)

We also danced around, listened to good music, and got the greatest idea to have a SOCK HOP!!! Everyone has mocktail parties-- what about a good ole sock hop??? Great oldies songs, fun dresses... the inspiration: "Twist and Shout" by The Beatles. Take a listen, you'll want to dance guaranteed.

Tomorrow's going to be amazing too. Lots of plans! I am happy.

I'm on a cooking streak. I just want to cook and bake all the time. Too bad I have no time. Graduation!!!!!!!!!!

Dinner group makes me cook which is nice. I'm making stuffed red bell peppers. Be excited. And I want to make these pumpkin roll things.

such a medical day!

Every day is a medical day now I guess, but yesterday was especially medical. I finally got rejuvenated and remotivated to work hard and do well for PA school. I remembered why I'm doing what I'm doing. I remembered why I love it so much.

I had work, at the health center, same as usual. But then I had volunteering at the clinic, and that was sweet. I mean it was busy which means we ran late, but oh well. I got to translate for a doctor because there were no female translators present, and he had to look at this lady's rear. She was 8 months pregnant and had hemorrhoids! He said that that's fairly common for pregnant ladies. Interesting! I love hearing about diagnoses and such. It rekindled the fire within. And then Jarom was raving about a cyst that was hidden behind a wart that a different doctor removed. And I realized how nerdy we all were, all the pre-med kids crowding around a doctor to see a really huge cyst. Haha. It was touching.

And then I went to an O Chem study group with a few girls and somehow through the conversation they found out that I work at the health center drawing blood and also volunteer doing it. They asked how many credits I was taking, if I had to pay for schooling all by myself, and I said yes and they were just so amazed! They thought I was so cool for being so busy and taking care of myself and doing all these things to get ready for PA school. (One is pre-nursing, one is pre-PA) And I remembered what it was like, being so young, and looking at the older seniors and being like wowwww I don't even know how I'm going to get there like them. And now I am that senior. I'm the one to look up to! I'm the one doing the PA shadowing, doing the internships, getting the clinical hours, all that stuff. And it made me feel good. I feel like I'm finally accomplishing something with my life.

Life is just so crazy. There is so much going on ALL THE TIME. And it never gets any easier it just changes. Different problems, different stresses. It's so overwhelming. But days like yesterday remind me of why I'm doing it all and that it doesn't have to be just check list things, but things I really enjoy. And I can enjoy them while I'm doing them! So let's do that.

book club notes-- the pleasure of my company by Steve Martin

I found these while cleaning up my gmail today. They're from my family's book club, notes I took while we were reading Ted's choice of the above titled book.

When he says that the event under the pecan tree would either resurrect him or kill him, that's so true of so many things in our lives. It's all about how we look at things, our attitude. Things can either break us down or buoy us up, motivate us to do things. Usually tragic events. hard events. But they're either super awesome or super crazy. So interesting! It's all about our attitudes and what we take away from things. It shows how much control we have over the events in our lives. How much control we have over our lives in general.

It takes the hard things to make us better. If they're not hard, they won't make us better.

You can't categorize relationships. He indulges himself with a magic square at the end, an old habit, but he says that it overflows with people and the confusion pleased him. And relationships are just... unpredictable. People are crazy and do things you don't understand, can't understand... hm. Relationships aren't categorizable.

it's been an interesting and enlightening weekend

I've figured out a lot of things about myself that I need to change. One huge thing is to stop caring what other people think about me. I've got such a golden retriever personality--I want to be liked by everyone. I stress about it and get nervous about it when there are really people I want to impress. But I need to realize that it doesn't matter what they think about it. I'll do what I do because I am that way, and they can either think I'm being fake about it, or not. They can accept me, or not. But regardless of what they do, I can still be happy about myself and can still be myself around them, around everyone. I can only control how I feel and how I act. I can't control how anybody else feels about me. So I might as well not worry about it. I shouldn't. I can't. Not if I want to stay sane. And happy.

It's interesting how different people's families are. How people raise their children way differently than everybody else. So so so differently. And you don't necessarily see it from that single person, but when you see their family you're like oh, wow, that's way different from my family. And not necessarily in a bad way. But wow can it be different.

I talked with my coworker today about dealing with other people's families and she enlightened me. It was a very therapeutic session. I'm glad people go through the same things as I do. And they have triumphed! So I can too. It's not me. It's not my fault. I can only do the best I can, and the rest is up to them.

I'm starting to feel it...

As far as the weekend went, Becky and I finally got to do a photoshoot!! She showed me one of the pictures and holy cow am I in love with it. (Check my facebook) She's amazing!!! Check out her blog (Boo Boo Photos on the right as a link) to see her work. She's so good!!! I'm so excited to see the rest of them!

I need a couple hours for some self-reflection time I think... but I never have any time.

If there are a million empty seats around me, why do you choose to sit right next to me? I like having my personal bubble. Don't pop it!!